What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

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Information Overload

I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.

Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.

Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.

I need to learn to listen?

Not exactly.

This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.

Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.

Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.

I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.

As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.

In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.

Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.

-Lexikat

Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat

Love Yourself- And Your Ass Will Follow

(Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow  is an old saying that once you change something then perhaps everything else can fall into place. )

You really cannot be open to loving someone or them loving you properly until you love yourself.
This could be resolving unfinished business in your own life from but not limited to:
Gender transition
Divorce
Death / loss of a loved one
Financial devastation/unemployment
Illness / Rehabilitation
Incarceration
Geographical move
Career Change

 

Your capacity for love of yourself (self love), not letting yourself slip down in priority, is paramount to functioning as a healthy person. Nobody will fix you, and nobody will complete you.
If you count on someone else to complete you or someone else to “do everything for at the expense/neglect of yourself” it will come crashing down.

And so I had learned to really embrace and love me for me earlier this year.
This does mean as an independent (rather than dependant or co-dependent) person, I am emotionally and mentally equipped to face the challenges and adversity that life throws at me (or you).
–leaving me (or you) open for proper reciprocation from someone of independent and self-loving self.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t self-sacrifice certain things, but do those strategically and with forethought . To just give up your sense of self because you “love someone” really isn’t flattering for you or them in the long-term sense. Never be willing to negotiate or give up your own identity either! Don’t do it!!

It is perfectly fine, in my humbled opinion, that you “take a bullet” saving someone you care about. (or automobile accident avoidance, etc., etc.) Be open to consciously making the effort rather than martyr-esque sense of action. Nobody will morn your loss if you are a jerk to save/help someone avoiding discomfort. And this includes “SPENDING EVERY PENNY YOU OWN TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY” because such is terrible in action. Please tack “putting on pedestal above own self/needs” as something that a self-loving independent person should do.

Besides, if you find your partner in such endeavors to want everything of yours and your self-identity…
leave the way you came in, and quickly.

Now smile. Some nice independent person might see you!!
Lexikat

Life On The Edge Of The Blade

There is a process forging a sword.
Likewise, there is a process to becoming the person you will be.

A mass of collected metal is slowly worked with heat and flame resembling a crude stick. Hardly resembling a weapon of grace and beauty in the moment of battle.

We go through life having education and upbringing. Some of those we grow up in harmony with, but others grow as a reaction to, or opposite of.

The tempering of a steel blade from the forge is sometimes dipped smoldering into water, or oil-those qualities make what the nature of the material will align with as the process continues…

Tragedy, adversity, loss, love, even the act of getting through something by the skin of your teeth will hone the blade, making it narrower.

When preparing the edge, you can sometimes fold in and create composites of other percentages of material to the type of steel. Putting the edge become the signature of the sword from the maker, and thus the signature of the wielder of the blade…

And thus I forgot to mention polishing the blade. Its important for the usefulness of it.

All the events of your life, good or bad, indifference to such folly even-becomes what you have. As such, your journey can still shape along the way. Blades have different scabbards, they also pick up nicks in the metal, scratches, patina, wear to the grip.It is no longer a fixed point at the end of the act of creation. The blade-your persona, as such is what you ease into battle, the simple act of interaction with the rest of the world.

You make allies-lets call them friends! They do help you in a battle, battle for your life.

The people whom you interact will continue to add to your life. There are a few at the fringes who try to take away. Its ok to let them take the worst parts of you.

Yes, I said it was ok for some people who are ill in nature to take things away from you. Let them have the superficial things, let them have the bad things.

A naked blade is an unimpeded one!

Lexikat

Link

San Francisco Isn’t Working Class Affordable.

I was in the news, yet again.  (2010)
In San Francisco, Rooms for $1,000/Month Are Now Scarce

There is some certainty about this place…
It has stagnant energy driven by fear that is reduced to complacency.
Single people stay single and don’t often invest in someone to grow with, people in dead end stale relationships seem to stay in those too. Failed marriages are some of the background noise that isn’t always visible at the surface because it all continues on.

BUT ALL OF THIS COMES PUSHING FORWARD, Like an angry crackhead full of garbage bags pushing through on the 71 Haight bus…
SAN FRANCISCO ONLY CHANGES WHEN IT IS INEVITABLE.
There is no other reason to grow a family, build an empire, invest in human beings unless that proverbial push is coming down the tube.
Sure I have a few friends, I’ve even dated.
People on tethers (life support), estranged spouse separated status, old money and or parental support, people under 25 making 6 figures without sweating 10 years for it-no body wants their umbilicus cut, or to leave the cave of illusions.
—————

I did the interview for this article a few weeks ago. I have had a few interviews, and the prospects of living in the East Bay are still that of subtracting the rent total what the transportation fee into San Francisco would affect it as a whole. I took that $900 per month place and am walking the extra distance to work. People that live in the rest of the country would hopefully ask “Why are you paying $900 a month and you aren’t really able afford to eat?” I would reply, if someone ever were to be so bold ask: “I ask myself that same question, and question my sanity at times.” Mostly because I grew up in the middle of the country somewhere between Cornfield, Iowa and Shigpit, Texas. Of course, they will under employ you if your trans in some of those places that will employ you.

I currently work full time above the elevated minimum wage here and its still maddening.

If there is no net gain in the long run, what is the point of investing anything in anything or anyone?
Why live with false hope at the current pace? This isn’t claiming victim status, that’s what it would be if it was this situation and I was unemployed. For people that quickly label people claiming to be a victim need to just look at their own lack of compassion to find their answers.

-Lexikat

They Don’t Build Them Like They Used To!

Video

So I get a Victor VV-50 across my desk today.

Img00032938 Img00032939

Since I used to fix motorcycles for my parents shop when I was 15, and that whole stint in the army as an AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopter Weapons Systems Repairer, I was confident I could make her sing.

And she did.

I haven’t heard this music produced except in old movies, but it was amazing. The record is roughly from the same period as the device and so it was like a time machine moment.

Sigh~

Lexikat