I know I just moved into a new place, but the situation I moved into has changed dramatically in the short time since I got here. Its clear that I need to find another place and fast. I have a steady income and 5 years history with my current job, but I don’t have a security deposit lying around and I need to come up with one ASAP.
Other things about me? I am a veteran of the military. I’m queer. I have never been arrested.
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Lexie’s moving fund
So that time of year has come and gone in San Francisco once again. I’ll admit that this was the first Trans March I had walked in since moving here 4 years ago. It also was the first time someone has put themselves out in the public “officially” showing support of me.
(I’ve not had the fortune to have had a family member do such a thing, as I was pretty much shunned by blood and attacked, sometimes verbally, by the other.)
She, my girlfriend, stood (or rather sat in a wheelchair) with an intricately detailed sign. It was something that really showed the love and outpouring of support she has been willing to put into me.
When she first showed it to me, it took a few moments for barriers to crumble down to the point of happy tears.
“Why has anyone ever taken this much investment into me?” was really apparent. Her outpouring and support does show in her pride in me, being who that I am, is something that doesn’t change.
The Trans March is a protest march; it is for the open visibility of gender variant people, as well as a time to voice change, acceptance, support, and pride within this fraction of the queer community. There were a lot of people displaying support for Chelsea Manning among the march. Hand in hand were a few people displaying “proud parent of a trangendered child” signs and shirts. It was a really beautiful thing.
As we had planned to also do the Dyke March on the following day, exhaustion on both our behalves kept us from attending. (2+ mile parade route plus to and from the subway stations as well)
As for the “pride” of Pride, it hit me on a more personal level than I could have imagined before.
I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.
Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.
Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.
I need to learn to listen?
This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.
Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.
Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.
I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.
As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.
In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.
Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.
I was recently challenged by the “counsel” of my girlfriend.
The challenge: Since we know what you want to avoid, tell me what you enjoyed about all of your last relationships/partnerships.
If there is hurt, then it takes more effort.
Pain is generally easy to avoid, but in making that my focus there is much that I would no longer be open to.
Hiding from being my true self,
Trying to satiate myself without doing any work,
Being the object of affection,
Being a girl in a lesbian relationship,
Being sexually active after a period of inactivity,
Trying to be a parent…
A lot of my relationships had no depth. They were simply validating on some level
I joke about my skills that only seem to improve as I practice my craft and such, but there is more to life than simply showing up and doing the same thing everyday. The process of simply finding someone who has substance in harmony with my own is the ideal goal.
Never pick the prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the sexiest, nor the richest, nor the most available.
Find someone you can connect the positive points upon.
Be you-the true you.
Be happy with yourself and your life.
Nobody will complete you, but they might compliment you.
About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.
Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?
“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!
(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)
“Growing in Love” is good.
Both mean simply Air-or wind.
My new trial of being a Girlfriend to an amazing potential partner did seem to come to a mutual agreement of letting the natural space of sound intrude and embracing the background information. Why? Sometimes you just have to be able to get to sleep, or wind down, or settle in. Lower your anxiety without stirring the situation more.
“Shut up”, or “silence” or even “shhhhhh” are abrupt and generally tend to not be so kind. You really want to defer to being kind to someone you potentially see in long-term plans.
Why this approach?
She is a professional therapist. Not in the “doesn’t it drive you crazy that your girlfriend is always analyzing you?” sense. More to the sense of “There is some strong intellectual, spiritual, and emotional basis for trying harder and in a more effective manner than in either of our pasts.”
So basically, if you’d like a non-awkward silence but merely a breather or pause with your partner…
consider a mutual word of silence to invoke that applies to both of you.
You might enjoy the sound of the wind with each other.
Disclaimer: this person is not my therapist nor was my therapist. This technique may or may not be some professional tool or area of study by persons within the mental health career field.
Disclaimer: I am happy and she is too.
(Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow is an old saying that once you change something then perhaps everything else can fall into place. )
You really cannot be open to loving someone or them loving you properly until you love yourself.
This could be resolving unfinished business in your own life from but not limited to:
Death / loss of a loved one
Illness / Rehabilitation
Your capacity for love of yourself (self love), not letting yourself slip down in priority, is paramount to functioning as a healthy person. Nobody will fix you, and nobody will complete you.
If you count on someone else to complete you or someone else to “do everything for at the expense/neglect of yourself” it will come crashing down.
And so I had learned to really embrace and love me for me earlier this year.
This does mean as an independent (rather than dependant or co-dependent) person, I am emotionally and mentally equipped to face the challenges and adversity that life throws at me (or you).
–leaving me (or you) open for proper reciprocation from someone of independent and self-loving self.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t self-sacrifice certain things, but do those strategically and with forethought . To just give up your sense of self because you “love someone” really isn’t flattering for you or them in the long-term sense. Never be willing to negotiate or give up your own identity either! Don’t do it!!
It is perfectly fine, in my humbled opinion, that you “take a bullet” saving someone you care about. (or automobile accident avoidance, etc., etc.) Be open to consciously making the effort rather than martyr-esque sense of action. Nobody will morn your loss if you are a jerk to save/help someone avoiding discomfort. And this includes “SPENDING EVERY PENNY YOU OWN TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY” because such is terrible in action. Please tack “putting on pedestal above own self/needs” as something that a self-loving independent person should do.
Besides, if you find your partner in such endeavors to want everything of yours and your self-identity…
leave the way you came in, and quickly.
Now smile. Some nice independent person might see you!!