Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat

Advertisements

Wind of Silence Without Anxiety

Luft
(German)
Vent
(French)

Both mean simply Air-or wind.

My new trial of being a Girlfriend to an amazing potential partner did seem to come to a mutual agreement of letting the natural space of sound intrude and embracing the background information. Why? Sometimes you just have to be able to get to sleep, or wind down, or settle in. Lower your anxiety without stirring the situation more.

“Shut up”, or “silence” or even “shhhhhh” are abrupt and generally tend to not be so kind. You really want to defer to being kind to someone you potentially see in long-term plans.

Why this approach?
She is a professional therapist. Not in the “doesn’t it drive you crazy that your girlfriend is always analyzing you?” sense. More to the sense of “There is some strong intellectual, spiritual, and emotional basis for trying harder and in a more effective manner than in either of our pasts.”

So basically, if you’d like a non-awkward silence but merely a breather or pause with your partner…
consider a mutual word of silence to invoke that applies to both of you.
You might enjoy the sound of the wind with each other.

Lexikat

Disclaimer: this person is not my therapist nor was my therapist. This technique may or may not be some professional tool or area of study by persons within the mental health career field.

Disclaimer: I am happy and she is too.

Diamond Queer Dyke

Diamonds are crystals of Carbon that only develop under intense pressure. The crystal lattice that make up their strength and luster can only come about this way.

Having lived through my life in growth cycle that my queerness came:
Awareness-Shame-Closet-Repression-Exit Closet-Ridicule-Rejection-Expression-Evolution-Acceptance
is a process that I say is similar to what creates the Uniqueness, Individuality, Hardness, Desirability, Value of queers.

Diamonds do sometimes wear from their environment. It was their environment that tempered their hard exterior…

Most queers I have met are not “garden variety” or bland; they stand out almost immediately from a crowd.

Most often Diamonds are on display, locked up, adorned on ones body…it can also be said of queers.

Queers aren’t ignored by mainstream, they get praised and persecuted. Token Gay Friend. Token Transsexual. Down Low. Secret Mistress. Escort for Hire. Tranny Porn. Test Drive. Experimental.

EXOTIQUE – EXOTIC – EROTIC – FETISH – FETISHIST

I figure queers can be reclusive and withdrawn much like Diamonds, at least in my case. I long for acceptance into certain circles and yet my status makes me something different than the rest-a  “Diamond in the Rough”

I suppose its rough being a Diamond.

The understanding comes mostly from other Diamonds-out and proud visible Diamonds.

I suppose the greatest pressure could create the most spectacular Diamond, but at what cost?

-Lexikat

So What Kind of Guitarist Am I?

Believe it or not, Its not easy for me to find other musicians who can stand to perform together in either an informal or formal (paying venue) sense.

This is not an “I’m a victim” blog. Its a frustration blog unless we perfect cloning…so its more of an “empowerment blog.”

Female musicians typically have had no problem with me; male musicians have historically had some sort of “hang up” about my “gender status” . It often goes through the typical introduction (through correspondence); an exchange that follows learning about someone’s musical likes and dislikes and then they get around to their “tranny-stamp-of-disapproval” moment. I kind of hold guys to a higher standard after living 35 years socialized and indoctrinated as a boy. I know if there is a sudden disapproval moment where women are concerned, its right at the moment where they are concerned what other people think-no matter their initial “its about the music” and “its not about image” phase.
Or its some weird “sleep with you” moment.

Transsexual guitarist seeks band members to form a band.

So this means that the guitar itself was one gender, and someone either sawed something off, drilled a hole, or added something onto it? My ad simply said: I’m LGBTQ friendly and you should be too.

If I have mentioned that I’m not looking for a date, just musicians to jam with.  I am in a committed partnership with an ovarian cancer survivor.

Lesbian guitarist seeks band members to form a band.

Women even have had less sexual hangups in the dating world according to my experiences even. Its my preference and you really don’t have anything I want because my partner does an amazing job to fill my life.

Metal Guitarist Seeks Musicians Without Hang-ups

Perhaps the world isn’t ready for a guitarist who happens to be a transsexual woman, except the one from Against Me! named Laura Jane Grace. She was lucky to have the band, success, and then transition. I am sure I am oversimplifying her struggle, but just for the context of looking for musicians without a head full of “shit”, I’m a girl who just wants her opportunity to do more than play my amp in an apartment with my supportive partner as an audience. She is an amazing audience-has encouraged me along my way.

Metal-Rock Guitarist: Influences include Laura Jane Grace

I think I found my headline/tagline!

1186076_10151883564844040_581648855_n

Lexikat

Bitstrips of Guitar

There’s an online app I use called Bitstrips here.

I compose these from imaginary and real situations in my life. I gave my former partner the role of “voice of negativity and criticism” that grounds things in a more realistic state of being, as that was her once she had me move in.
I add the endearing fact that I had a dog in my life.
I posted the guitar themed ones here:

WNM49_0XT1F RZTN9_0XT1F G7M69_0XT1F

3F0P7_0XT1F

FF6H9_0XT1F

S12G9_0XT1F DLW89_0XT1F P4789_0XT1F G9527_0XT1F

Anyhow, you get the idea. You can create your own at Bitstrips.com

Ciao!

Lexikat

The Dividing Line of Feminism and Expression

I’m conscious, no doubt. Most of the world’s ration and reason anymore hurt my brain.

This doesn’t “interfere” with my daily existence as much as it enhances it. Its problematic at times because the world, and my world have many layers. I did live the first 35 years fooling others to believe I was a man (but never fooled myself).

Image

“Looking like I did, I always thought I was smart and not good looking. I had never felt this outside looked like my inner self-she stayed hidden for 8 more years after this photo.”

Picket fence, college, military…I had some typical as well as high-risk career choices that were considerably masculine. I spent time convincing myself more than other people and thus: being a male in all outward appearances and social roles- WERE simply a stage I went through before embracing my true self. But transitioning back east meant I was surrounded by an automobile to-and-from work, school, home. You don’t socially interact with anyone in a car, basically.

Image

“People would kill to have a body like mine, or just kill me?”
Statistically, trans people survive suicide and are faced with a higher homicide rate-rarely killed by women.

Expressing my female self isn’t without daily scrutiny from men and women alike: a man can be butt-ugly but as long as he is powerful/rich/physically strong he is pedestalled and embraced for doing what success was defined to mean; for the woman it means you are judged based on your hair/makeup/clothing/fashion sense and not other accolades.

Women rarely get left alone when it comes to the leering and judging eyes of the world. Sure, age sometimes brings relief, but then you are seen as someone’s “mother” rather than a successful mature woman. Shit, this goes to show that transitioning from male to female is not a CHOICE!! One might argue that transitioning from female to male would be a choice based on no longer being scrutinized on a daily basis of ones looks, but that is not the case. Transgender is not a choice for anyone.

Some feel that being born as I was and being attracted to women, wearing pants, etc. are considered appropriate.

So how much breasts/cleavage do you show to express what you feel you want to, and how much is caving to “what a woman should behave as?”

The pitfall of someone balancing expression: “I don’t feel like wearing makeup nor shaving my legs.” negatively traverses my female expression. You could say that I am hypersensitive to the expressions of gender, having lived/worked/dated/stared/objectified as both. 

Did I mention that I know what runs through a man’s brain? No? Well I didn’t. I will say that I know what CAN run through a man’s brain. I was also raised around the most misogynistic/pro rape men on the planet. I knew pretty early that I was neither “them” nor “a man.”

I will admit that I cling to a few things out of comfort due to the basic fact that I wasn’t born without a vagina, nor plentiful mammary glands (breasts).

Maybe I don’t want to go to a place further outside my own comfort zone.
Maybe I don’t want to leave the impression on you of what I look like without makeup because maybe you won’t invest getting to know me or you are the type of person who doesn’t get past anything.
Maybe I like some to show some sexy legs because I literally have bled for my transition. I shouldn’t have to justify anything in what I choose to express, but in living my life, I am just.

I think you can be a femme pro feminist, and even a transsexual feminist. I also think that it really shouldn’t matter what someone’s outsides look as quoted by me:

Associated Press November 2010

Associated Press November 2010

“This girl in front of me, whether she is wearing pants or a dress, shouldn’t make a difference.” Associated Press November 2010

Lexikat

Re-inventing The Wheel

So I am 40 (something). Grumbles answer under breath

I want to be taken serious in my career and my appearance. I took all my piercings out recently except one-my “I made it to 40” nose piercing.

The others were collected like this: “I just broke up with fill-in-a-name and I feel like a piercing to just feel better…” I could look at my body and see the trail of broken hearts, blood & entrails and destruction by merely counting the facial/ear piercings.

Accepting help from others in this goal hasn’t always been easy: My look/way of life was something I had to fight for/collect on my own. I was proud of my accomplishments in my “design.” So I was hard pressed to release control when approached by my partner about this manner. After some calming down and approaching with different method, a dialog was open for us about this sensitive subject.

My hair color has been corrected, and I am no longer blonde. After deconstructing and removing (or inhabiting my proper) gender markers, I am comfortable with pants, shorter hair, etc.

Fear.
The biggest thing that holds me and surely others back is fear. Not completely paralyzing but a direct force of influence, like drag is to flight.

Fear of flying?
Fear of dying?
Fear of dying while trying?

Who me?

Surely.

My role model? I don’t have any that come to mind that were blood relatives. The girls in the fashion magazines are like a decade (COUGH) or so younger than me. Heck, they aren’t even creative with their expression. Lesbian, queer, etc.

I had a great manager from a store I worked with that is a little younger than me. She has tattoos and a great fashion sense.

Imitate greatness?
Fake it until you make it?
Copy until you’re original?

Pretty much.

I figure all my blazers can stay. Pants can stay. Its indecent to go around without wearing any pants. HAHAHAHA!

Seriously, What kind of tops say “I’m not so flat chested but womanly?”  (Without comments/replies these become dank, dark, rhetorical questions)

I can keep a few mod/mini dresses that are above the knee. I ‘d love to find skirts for work that are just hitting the kneecap and ones just lower than mid-calf for casual wear.

Just don’t get me started on shoes! I swear my mother accidentally was impregnated by a duck based on my foot width. Sure the industrial exotic dancer shoes fit my arch, but they are hardly practical.

So (crickets chirping), What do you suggest for Ideas?

Grazie!
Lexikat