Your Friends, My Friends

As I was getting ready for the most epic 3 year-olds fairy themed birthday party, there was a moment where I didn’t realize I had shifted from calling people that I primarily have met through my girlfriend “my friends”. Up until this point, other than my pal known as the sweet Earth Goddess, I have said “well your friends are having a party” “won’t it be cool to see your friends again?”.
I had stepped out of the bathroom with a ton of eye makeup on, which is rare, and said “the things I do cause I love my friends”. She noticed it more than I did. I figure that’s good and not forced or rehearsed. Friend making is really hard for me, always has been. Inside, I can still be that shy kid that won’t speak their mind. That kid is offset by the socially abrupt adult that will just blurt all kind of things out.

All of my friends are my family, and a tiny but beautiful portion of my birth family remain friends with me.
Its great, and makes me cry happy tears
-L

Reclaiming Reflecting Contemplation Completion

It’s an interesting space I find my mind and emotions in lately.
One could say that I was “on the verge of drowning in love” as it were.
One could say that.

I say things like, “I haven’t had the simple support and embrace from my world, outside of work, be willing, supportive, interested, and willing to develop nurturing and stronger friendships/bonds for this length of time in my life ever.”

Perhaps the accursed can have their hex broken, fates shattered, prison walls crumble from around their heart/soul/mind?

I believe so.
I also firmly believe that if something bad happened in my life, I’d still have an awesome partner & friends-that-are-family support network to my emotional and mental health-to the extent that I would hardly be scathed by the ordeal.

…….

I have started reclaiming some of my known heritage (rather than unknown and questionable) of my Danish blood in the form of language and cuisine. It’s actually helped me make a few friendships with people in lands as far away as Finland & Sweden to where I have found learning Swedish a bit easier due to similarities to Danish and German. Danish/Scandinavian Foods seem to help my digestive process of lowering glycemic indexes and making use of seasonal fruits and vegetables more so than any other cooking I have explored.

My guitar playing and seeking a band has stalled a bit, I believe that I will make a push for finding a band in 2015. Yes, it will have to be free of drama and something I can make some rockin’ tunes with.

As they say: “So many feels”

Skål!

LL

What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

March of Support & Show of Pride

Happy Pride!

So that time of year has come and gone in San Francisco once again. I’ll admit that this was the first Trans March I had walked in since moving here 4 years ago. It also was the first time someone has put themselves out in the public “officially” showing support of me.
(I’ve not had the fortune to have had a family member do such a thing, as I was pretty much shunned by blood and attacked, sometimes verbally, by the other.)

She, my girlfriend, stood (or rather sat in a wheelchair) with an intricately detailed sign. It was something that really showed the love and outpouring of support she has been willing to put into me.

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When she first showed it to me, it took a few moments for barriers to crumble down to the point of happy tears.
“Why has anyone ever taken this much investment into me?” was really apparent. Her outpouring and support does show in her pride in me, being who that I am, is something that doesn’t change.

Making the news was kind of cool. There were many people taking photos because of how “cute” or how “amazing” of a pairing/supportive couple we were. Photo link from SFGate.org The Chronicle. Photo by Craig Hudson.

The Trans March is a protest  march; it is for the open visibility of gender variant people, as well as a time to voice change, acceptance, support, and pride within this fraction of the queer community. There were a lot of people displaying support for Chelsea Manning among the march. Hand in hand were a few people displaying “proud parent of a trangendered child” signs and shirts. It was a really beautiful thing.

As we had planned to also do the Dyke March on the following day, exhaustion on both our behalves kept us from attending. (2+ mile parade route plus to and from the subway stations as well)

As for the “pride” of Pride, it hit me on a more personal level than I could have imagined before.

Happy Pride!

Lexikat

The Little Prince inside us all

For the first time in my life, I am reading  Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The book is popularly known by its English title “The Little Prince“.
True, that it is a children’s book. I had seen a movie of it once, even a stage production back in ’80 as well.

The themes I find nearing the end is that adults tend to be wrapped in an absurdity of stoic logic and as such are the most illogical when it comes down to enjoying the beauty of the most common or simple pleasures in life. As we mature, we could keep some of this curiosity and care without so quickly rejecting it.

The story of the rose hit me pretty heavy. I did find much water leaking from my eyes for a couple of minutes because of the fine personification that the author leads the character’s place among her intricacies.

I find that the people among the journey like the king, the tippler, the businessman-all seem like parts we could have been at some point.

There isn’t a single question that the Little Prince lets go of until he receives an answer to.

Perhaps his biggest redeeming factor is that his curiosity is persistant-things that adults forget about.

Its a book I think most people, like myself, may have missed.

-Lexikat

Love Yourself- And Your Ass Will Follow

(Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow  is an old saying that once you change something then perhaps everything else can fall into place. )

You really cannot be open to loving someone or them loving you properly until you love yourself.
This could be resolving unfinished business in your own life from but not limited to:
Gender transition
Divorce
Death / loss of a loved one
Financial devastation/unemployment
Illness / Rehabilitation
Incarceration
Geographical move
Career Change

 

Your capacity for love of yourself (self love), not letting yourself slip down in priority, is paramount to functioning as a healthy person. Nobody will fix you, and nobody will complete you.
If you count on someone else to complete you or someone else to “do everything for at the expense/neglect of yourself” it will come crashing down.

And so I had learned to really embrace and love me for me earlier this year.
This does mean as an independent (rather than dependant or co-dependent) person, I am emotionally and mentally equipped to face the challenges and adversity that life throws at me (or you).
–leaving me (or you) open for proper reciprocation from someone of independent and self-loving self.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t self-sacrifice certain things, but do those strategically and with forethought . To just give up your sense of self because you “love someone” really isn’t flattering for you or them in the long-term sense. Never be willing to negotiate or give up your own identity either! Don’t do it!!

It is perfectly fine, in my humbled opinion, that you “take a bullet” saving someone you care about. (or automobile accident avoidance, etc., etc.) Be open to consciously making the effort rather than martyr-esque sense of action. Nobody will morn your loss if you are a jerk to save/help someone avoiding discomfort. And this includes “SPENDING EVERY PENNY YOU OWN TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY” because such is terrible in action. Please tack “putting on pedestal above own self/needs” as something that a self-loving independent person should do.

Besides, if you find your partner in such endeavors to want everything of yours and your self-identity…
leave the way you came in, and quickly.

Now smile. Some nice independent person might see you!!
Lexikat

Sometimes Life Can Remind You Why You Don’t Quit

For the first time in an age, I am completely happy with myself.
My struggles are my own and they seem to be the background noise to which has been the canvas to where I sling color and expression upon “in spite of” at times.

I don’t need someone else to make me happy. Historically, those have turned into that same situation driving me absolutely miserable. I was a willing participant, I will admit that!

But after your poignancy level has tapered off and your thoughts settle, life seems more enjoyable with an augmentation of joy, surpassed with happiness. Things are new again.

Happy times and inspiration as a “muse” to the artist need not be in constant supply. Moments of inspiration cause an avalanche effect cascading the creative process.
Little input yields mass output.

I can welcome this and know that I am better for not leaving San Francisco, not leaving my life, and not leaving me.
Because no matter where you go, there you are!

Lexikat