What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

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The Little Prince inside us all

For the first time in my life, I am reading  Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The book is popularly known by its English title “The Little Prince“.
True, that it is a children’s book. I had seen a movie of it once, even a stage production back in ’80 as well.

The themes I find nearing the end is that adults tend to be wrapped in an absurdity of stoic logic and as such are the most illogical when it comes down to enjoying the beauty of the most common or simple pleasures in life. As we mature, we could keep some of this curiosity and care without so quickly rejecting it.

The story of the rose hit me pretty heavy. I did find much water leaking from my eyes for a couple of minutes because of the fine personification that the author leads the character’s place among her intricacies.

I find that the people among the journey like the king, the tippler, the businessman-all seem like parts we could have been at some point.

There isn’t a single question that the Little Prince lets go of until he receives an answer to.

Perhaps his biggest redeeming factor is that his curiosity is persistant-things that adults forget about.

Its a book I think most people, like myself, may have missed.

-Lexikat

Information Overload

I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.

Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.

Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.

I need to learn to listen?

Not exactly.

This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.

Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.

Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.

I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.

As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.

In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.

Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.

-Lexikat

Looking Back And Finding What Was Good

I was recently challenged by the “counsel” of my girlfriend.
The challenge: Since we know what you want to avoid, tell me what you enjoyed about all of your last relationships/partnerships.

Sounds easy?
If there is hurt, then it takes more effort.

Pain is generally easy to avoid, but in making that my focus there is much that I would no longer be open to.

Hiding from being my true self,
Trying to satiate myself without doing any work,
Being the object of affection,
Being a girl in a lesbian relationship,
Being sexually active after a period of inactivity,
Trying to be a parent…

A lot of my relationships had no depth. They were simply validating on some level

I joke about my skills that only seem to improve as I practice my craft and such, but there is more to life than simply showing up and doing the same thing everyday. The process of simply finding someone who has substance in harmony with my own is the ideal goal.

Never pick the prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the sexiest, nor the richest, nor the most available.

Find someone you can connect the positive points upon.
Be you-the true you.
Be happy with yourself and your life.

Nobody will complete you, but they might compliment you.

-L

Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat

Love Yourself- And Your Ass Will Follow

(Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow  is an old saying that once you change something then perhaps everything else can fall into place. )

You really cannot be open to loving someone or them loving you properly until you love yourself.
This could be resolving unfinished business in your own life from but not limited to:
Gender transition
Divorce
Death / loss of a loved one
Financial devastation/unemployment
Illness / Rehabilitation
Incarceration
Geographical move
Career Change

 

Your capacity for love of yourself (self love), not letting yourself slip down in priority, is paramount to functioning as a healthy person. Nobody will fix you, and nobody will complete you.
If you count on someone else to complete you or someone else to “do everything for at the expense/neglect of yourself” it will come crashing down.

And so I had learned to really embrace and love me for me earlier this year.
This does mean as an independent (rather than dependant or co-dependent) person, I am emotionally and mentally equipped to face the challenges and adversity that life throws at me (or you).
–leaving me (or you) open for proper reciprocation from someone of independent and self-loving self.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t self-sacrifice certain things, but do those strategically and with forethought . To just give up your sense of self because you “love someone” really isn’t flattering for you or them in the long-term sense. Never be willing to negotiate or give up your own identity either! Don’t do it!!

It is perfectly fine, in my humbled opinion, that you “take a bullet” saving someone you care about. (or automobile accident avoidance, etc., etc.) Be open to consciously making the effort rather than martyr-esque sense of action. Nobody will morn your loss if you are a jerk to save/help someone avoiding discomfort. And this includes “SPENDING EVERY PENNY YOU OWN TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY” because such is terrible in action. Please tack “putting on pedestal above own self/needs” as something that a self-loving independent person should do.

Besides, if you find your partner in such endeavors to want everything of yours and your self-identity…
leave the way you came in, and quickly.

Now smile. Some nice independent person might see you!!
Lexikat

Life On The Edge Of The Blade

There is a process forging a sword.
Likewise, there is a process to becoming the person you will be.

A mass of collected metal is slowly worked with heat and flame resembling a crude stick. Hardly resembling a weapon of grace and beauty in the moment of battle.

We go through life having education and upbringing. Some of those we grow up in harmony with, but others grow as a reaction to, or opposite of.

The tempering of a steel blade from the forge is sometimes dipped smoldering into water, or oil-those qualities make what the nature of the material will align with as the process continues…

Tragedy, adversity, loss, love, even the act of getting through something by the skin of your teeth will hone the blade, making it narrower.

When preparing the edge, you can sometimes fold in and create composites of other percentages of material to the type of steel. Putting the edge become the signature of the sword from the maker, and thus the signature of the wielder of the blade…

And thus I forgot to mention polishing the blade. Its important for the usefulness of it.

All the events of your life, good or bad, indifference to such folly even-becomes what you have. As such, your journey can still shape along the way. Blades have different scabbards, they also pick up nicks in the metal, scratches, patina, wear to the grip.It is no longer a fixed point at the end of the act of creation. The blade-your persona, as such is what you ease into battle, the simple act of interaction with the rest of the world.

You make allies-lets call them friends! They do help you in a battle, battle for your life.

The people whom you interact will continue to add to your life. There are a few at the fringes who try to take away. Its ok to let them take the worst parts of you.

Yes, I said it was ok for some people who are ill in nature to take things away from you. Let them have the superficial things, let them have the bad things.

A naked blade is an unimpeded one!

Lexikat