Lexie’s Moving & Down Payment Fund

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Hello,
I know I just moved into a new place, but the situation I moved into has changed dramatically in the short time since I got here. Its clear that I need to find another place and fast. I have a steady income and 5 years history with my current job, but I don’t have a security deposit lying around and I need to come up with one ASAP.
Other things about me? I am a veteran of the military. I’m queer. I have never been arrested.
Please donate as much or as little as you can as everything helps! Please repost this link to boost the signal.
Thanks

Lexie’s moving fund

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Boobs, Gender Snobbery, Mammary Privilege

Tits, Knockers, Bosoms, Titties, Hooters, Melons, Sweater Zepplins, Bozoombas (not sure of that spelling), Mammaries, etc.

They are one of the first validating developments in a trans girl’s journey. They seem to be the thing most easily recognized to mean “female” in terms of gender cues to the average person. You quickly learn what a pain in the ass they become in accommodating them into clothing. “Happiness is a well-fitting bra” rings true throughout it all more or less.

They seem to go through growth spurts. Up, up, up, then down, then up. If you are lucky you don’t have pain from simply “having them” there clinging to your ribcage. If you are not growing your own “boob garden” or passing the waiting stage, you can just buy them as they come in all sizes. I’m fortunate in that sense that they popped-up.

Its an unruly child, these breasts. “I need something that fits me NOW!” and that is just in bras. Finding shirts, jackets and such is another factor in which this breast owning entails.

Cover them up, or show them off?
Some breasts are big enough that they can be hard to remove attention to, or just simply clothe. Attention? Coverage?
I forgot to mention that, much like when girls hit puberty in adolescence, boys (men) will tend to notice them in a hot minute. That in itself leads to wanted, and unwanted attention. Lately with my mohawk, my boobs are “gender-fucking” the observer with contradicting gender cues.

I completely have left out what the biological purpose of breasts are for:  TO NOURISH THE YOUNG! Its true, whether you have kids or not, their intended origin is to produce milk for the young, like other mammals. That is something miraculous in itself, I think so.

Trans men (FtMs) often bind their breasts to remove that gender expression. Having them removed is often an obstacle to masculine expression.

Where was I? Oh yes, what to accessorise your breasts with? Piercings? Tattoos? I am certain that I will be doing that in the next year. Why not? Does marking them up make them anything other than MINE? No. In fact, I will do what I want to their appearance as I own them. I own them to every leering and shifty-eyed man who gets confrontational. I own them to every conversation that people have a sudden attack of conscious to address my pronouns properly. I own them to the point where a sudden awkwardness befalls the person who didn’t know that “I come bearing tits!”

This has lead to a lot of my “I really don’t fucking care, but I will rock these bare and in public” situations. 2014 Folsom Street Faire this last weekend, Hard to deny that I had breasts when they are out through the crowds. This last summer during camping trip I did wear a sheer top on the last day. 2009 when they first came along, I used to “accessorize” them with electrical tape and no top during my “industrial adolescence”.

They seem like they hit a growth spurt more noticeably in the last 4 months. It shouldn’t be cancer, but that’s another worry for ones breasts.

Social interactions do put boobs into play “Those are hardly big enough to even call breasts!” are what a few evil people exclaim within my lifetime. I’ve removed them from interacting with me at all. The first time your parents see you wearing a bra, yeah I went through that moment in my late 30’s. “Those aren’t real!” “Are your breasts real?”

Anyhow, Totally Titty Tuesday is more than one day of the week.
-L

Looking Back And Finding What Was Good

I was recently challenged by the “counsel” of my girlfriend.
The challenge: Since we know what you want to avoid, tell me what you enjoyed about all of your last relationships/partnerships.

Sounds easy?
If there is hurt, then it takes more effort.

Pain is generally easy to avoid, but in making that my focus there is much that I would no longer be open to.

Hiding from being my true self,
Trying to satiate myself without doing any work,
Being the object of affection,
Being a girl in a lesbian relationship,
Being sexually active after a period of inactivity,
Trying to be a parent…

A lot of my relationships had no depth. They were simply validating on some level

I joke about my skills that only seem to improve as I practice my craft and such, but there is more to life than simply showing up and doing the same thing everyday. The process of simply finding someone who has substance in harmony with my own is the ideal goal.

Never pick the prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the sexiest, nor the richest, nor the most available.

Find someone you can connect the positive points upon.
Be you-the true you.
Be happy with yourself and your life.

Nobody will complete you, but they might compliment you.

-L

Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat

Diamond Queer Dyke

Diamonds are crystals of Carbon that only develop under intense pressure. The crystal lattice that make up their strength and luster can only come about this way.

Having lived through my life in growth cycle that my queerness came:
Awareness-Shame-Closet-Repression-Exit Closet-Ridicule-Rejection-Expression-Evolution-Acceptance
is a process that I say is similar to what creates the Uniqueness, Individuality, Hardness, Desirability, Value of queers.

Diamonds do sometimes wear from their environment. It was their environment that tempered their hard exterior…

Most queers I have met are not “garden variety” or bland; they stand out almost immediately from a crowd.

Most often Diamonds are on display, locked up, adorned on ones body…it can also be said of queers.

Queers aren’t ignored by mainstream, they get praised and persecuted. Token Gay Friend. Token Transsexual. Down Low. Secret Mistress. Escort for Hire. Tranny Porn. Test Drive. Experimental.

EXOTIQUE – EXOTIC – EROTIC – FETISH – FETISHIST

I figure queers can be reclusive and withdrawn much like Diamonds, at least in my case. I long for acceptance into certain circles and yet my status makes me something different than the rest-a  “Diamond in the Rough”

I suppose its rough being a Diamond.

The understanding comes mostly from other Diamonds-out and proud visible Diamonds.

I suppose the greatest pressure could create the most spectacular Diamond, but at what cost?

-Lexikat

Why A Gender Shift Can Feel A Bit Like Doctor Who

Who?
Doctor Who?

Doctor Who being the science fantasy television program on BBC for the last 50 years. The main protagonist simply known as “The Doctor” to the viewers. He has many adventures with various companions while traveling through time and space. He appears human, and has a very strong affinity to nurturing and protecting the human race. However, he is not human. He is Gallifreyan-a Time Lord. Their biology causes them to regenerate after a number of years, typically spawned by a sustained injury.There has at least been speculation that these regenerations can involve a gender change, but usually is a completely different looking and acting(and dressing) character with most core parts of The Doctor’s characteristics. Some of his quirks really shift a lot more than you would think, but it keeps it all fresh in my opinion.
At times, I feel that I am not human..

So how does this entertain the idea that your “transition” is anything like that?
(I only know of my own experience and what few stories others have shared of their own journey.)

Myself-35 years as a boy/male (give or take), had many different careers/roles:
Soldier, teacher, husband, father, mechanic, carpenter, clerk, guitarist in metal band, singer, college student…these did have different expressions of hair, clothing, cars, houses, etc.
Granted I was petty repressed in avoiding being myself, but my core was pretty consistent. I am: a nurturer, teacher, lover, musician, caregiver, poet, artist-and will always beI’ll cleverly avoid a fight, but a true warrior knows when to fight!
I too, have had some pretty colorful companions not unlike the Doctor at times..family, lovers, friends, animals.

Transition-its not a destination. No matter what anyone suggests, because life itself is a journey and not a destination. (Get over it and embrace it.) So during the beginning of this phase there is of course the wigs in lieu of the hair in process of growing out. Wardrobe? Adolescent, edgy, vampish, sex bomb, blonde bombshell, college co-ed, the Audrey Hepburn, cyber-goth industrial girl, punk rocker, post-apocalypse dyke. For me, the biggest part of change was the hormones that let my brain that “always knew/felt that I was a girl” for this entire time, could at least not hate the body my mind was born into. That body quickly changed and perhaps parts of my mind as well…

My memories at times are something that are very clear and are relevant to my daily activities and problem solving. However, there are times that Who something happened to in my past feels very much like another person. Swiss cheese memory as referred to in science fiction…

Music? I was a bass player and keyboard player up until I started exploring my gender expression by going out dressed. Guitar soon came after this period.
Parenting? Some argue that you are always a parent, but the interaction with my own children was limited to only the time I expressed as a boy. I haven’t been a parent as a woman. Not even to a puppy at this writing.
Tattoos? Well, I got my first during my time “in-flux” of deciding whether going out on the weekends and hating who I was or wasn’t. My ink collection snowballed and really started with “my first girl tattoo” to my most current one.
Family? There is a lot less blood relatives around, much as the First Doctor saying goodbye to Susan, but my extended family is tremendous and still growing. They have a stronger bond with me than I could have ever imagined.
Other things I have picked up since transitioning: learning Italian, cello, guitar with a deeper focus, writing, oh and of course more allergies. I am sure that I have my share of quirks too.

I lost my singing voice for the price that I paid and I am looking to find it or whatever voice this body chooses to resonate.

The journey through time-and space, occasionally gives glimpses of times in your life where you were really proud of your accomplishments and who you were at that individual moment. I feel its important to reflect into those journeys for strength, knowledge, and wisdom. Who you were isn’t always Who you are at the moment. But we all seem to be a collective of all our incarnations (good/bad, boy/girl, love/hate).

If you do find yourself having problems with your collective, or even evolving… perhaps you should call the Doctor?

Lexikat

(Gender shift  = transition = life is a journey for everyone regardless of cis or transgender)

Reclaiming

I know “traditionalists” would say/imply that “if you were born a boy, and then one day shaved your head, that would be apropos.”

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Fortunately, I’m not traditional. I’m also at the point in my life where my expression is a choice.

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I decided to search the internet for “butch clothing” retailers. They are overpriced as can be. Period. But they tend to have suiting that buttons in the “mans” style. They usually tout their clientele as “women, dykes, lesbians, trans boys”. Not a single one listed trans women, nor the neutral “transgender” as a client base. Seems like 2013, the lesbian community as a whole would include “trans lesbians” in their ideology, marketing, etc. No.

I think I can find my own damn style. Who wants to blow $1000 on a buffoon suit? Not me. I’m fine with blazers and slacks/jeans. Girls wear those! So do bois.

I really would like to see a world where butch expression of transwomen be embraced. 

The war on queers, geographical lag of civil rights, has a long way to go in my opinion.

Lexikat