Things I learned in 2014

…were all about ME!

What I mean is there was the most self-awareness and discovery making times.

I learned that my PTSD from suffocation is alive and well as suiting up armor for SCA practice. I thank my sibling who tried to choke me a few years ago for that.

I learned more about my useless family in the form of genealogy research that takes me back to the 2nd century Viking kings.

I learned that my concept of love and relationships was challenged to evolve from my previous experiences and practices. Love and interpersonal intimate friendships continue to strengthen and evolve.

I learned a lot about the culture of Burning Man without even going to the playa.

I learned to think before saying or posting things with more restraint than before.

2014 was really about me learning more internally than externally. A newfound self-awareness wouldn’t adequately describe it.

These internal forces were contingent on external nuances and such.

-L

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Reclaiming Reflecting Contemplation Completion

It’s an interesting space I find my mind and emotions in lately.
One could say that I was “on the verge of drowning in love” as it were.
One could say that.

I say things like, “I haven’t had the simple support and embrace from my world, outside of work, be willing, supportive, interested, and willing to develop nurturing and stronger friendships/bonds for this length of time in my life ever.”

Perhaps the accursed can have their hex broken, fates shattered, prison walls crumble from around their heart/soul/mind?

I believe so.
I also firmly believe that if something bad happened in my life, I’d still have an awesome partner & friends-that-are-family support network to my emotional and mental health-to the extent that I would hardly be scathed by the ordeal.

…….

I have started reclaiming some of my known heritage (rather than unknown and questionable) of my Danish blood in the form of language and cuisine. It’s actually helped me make a few friendships with people in lands as far away as Finland & Sweden to where I have found learning Swedish a bit easier due to similarities to Danish and German. Danish/Scandinavian Foods seem to help my digestive process of lowering glycemic indexes and making use of seasonal fruits and vegetables more so than any other cooking I have explored.

My guitar playing and seeking a band has stalled a bit, I believe that I will make a push for finding a band in 2015. Yes, it will have to be free of drama and something I can make some rockin’ tunes with.

As they say: “So many feels”

Skål!

LL

Why A Gender Shift Can Feel A Bit Like Doctor Who

Who?
Doctor Who?

Doctor Who being the science fantasy television program on BBC for the last 50 years. The main protagonist simply known as “The Doctor” to the viewers. He has many adventures with various companions while traveling through time and space. He appears human, and has a very strong affinity to nurturing and protecting the human race. However, he is not human. He is Gallifreyan-a Time Lord. Their biology causes them to regenerate after a number of years, typically spawned by a sustained injury.There has at least been speculation that these regenerations can involve a gender change, but usually is a completely different looking and acting(and dressing) character with most core parts of The Doctor’s characteristics. Some of his quirks really shift a lot more than you would think, but it keeps it all fresh in my opinion.
At times, I feel that I am not human..

So how does this entertain the idea that your “transition” is anything like that?
(I only know of my own experience and what few stories others have shared of their own journey.)

Myself-35 years as a boy/male (give or take), had many different careers/roles:
Soldier, teacher, husband, father, mechanic, carpenter, clerk, guitarist in metal band, singer, college student…these did have different expressions of hair, clothing, cars, houses, etc.
Granted I was petty repressed in avoiding being myself, but my core was pretty consistent. I am: a nurturer, teacher, lover, musician, caregiver, poet, artist-and will always beI’ll cleverly avoid a fight, but a true warrior knows when to fight!
I too, have had some pretty colorful companions not unlike the Doctor at times..family, lovers, friends, animals.

Transition-its not a destination. No matter what anyone suggests, because life itself is a journey and not a destination. (Get over it and embrace it.) So during the beginning of this phase there is of course the wigs in lieu of the hair in process of growing out. Wardrobe? Adolescent, edgy, vampish, sex bomb, blonde bombshell, college co-ed, the Audrey Hepburn, cyber-goth industrial girl, punk rocker, post-apocalypse dyke. For me, the biggest part of change was the hormones that let my brain that “always knew/felt that I was a girl” for this entire time, could at least not hate the body my mind was born into. That body quickly changed and perhaps parts of my mind as well…

My memories at times are something that are very clear and are relevant to my daily activities and problem solving. However, there are times that Who something happened to in my past feels very much like another person. Swiss cheese memory as referred to in science fiction…

Music? I was a bass player and keyboard player up until I started exploring my gender expression by going out dressed. Guitar soon came after this period.
Parenting? Some argue that you are always a parent, but the interaction with my own children was limited to only the time I expressed as a boy. I haven’t been a parent as a woman. Not even to a puppy at this writing.
Tattoos? Well, I got my first during my time “in-flux” of deciding whether going out on the weekends and hating who I was or wasn’t. My ink collection snowballed and really started with “my first girl tattoo” to my most current one.
Family? There is a lot less blood relatives around, much as the First Doctor saying goodbye to Susan, but my extended family is tremendous and still growing. They have a stronger bond with me than I could have ever imagined.
Other things I have picked up since transitioning: learning Italian, cello, guitar with a deeper focus, writing, oh and of course more allergies. I am sure that I have my share of quirks too.

I lost my singing voice for the price that I paid and I am looking to find it or whatever voice this body chooses to resonate.

The journey through time-and space, occasionally gives glimpses of times in your life where you were really proud of your accomplishments and who you were at that individual moment. I feel its important to reflect into those journeys for strength, knowledge, and wisdom. Who you were isn’t always Who you are at the moment. But we all seem to be a collective of all our incarnations (good/bad, boy/girl, love/hate).

If you do find yourself having problems with your collective, or even evolving… perhaps you should call the Doctor?

Lexikat

(Gender shift  = transition = life is a journey for everyone regardless of cis or transgender)

The Dividing Line of Feminism and Expression

I’m conscious, no doubt. Most of the world’s ration and reason anymore hurt my brain.

This doesn’t “interfere” with my daily existence as much as it enhances it. Its problematic at times because the world, and my world have many layers. I did live the first 35 years fooling others to believe I was a man (but never fooled myself).

Image

“Looking like I did, I always thought I was smart and not good looking. I had never felt this outside looked like my inner self-she stayed hidden for 8 more years after this photo.”

Picket fence, college, military…I had some typical as well as high-risk career choices that were considerably masculine. I spent time convincing myself more than other people and thus: being a male in all outward appearances and social roles- WERE simply a stage I went through before embracing my true self. But transitioning back east meant I was surrounded by an automobile to-and-from work, school, home. You don’t socially interact with anyone in a car, basically.

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“People would kill to have a body like mine, or just kill me?”
Statistically, trans people survive suicide and are faced with a higher homicide rate-rarely killed by women.

Expressing my female self isn’t without daily scrutiny from men and women alike: a man can be butt-ugly but as long as he is powerful/rich/physically strong he is pedestalled and embraced for doing what success was defined to mean; for the woman it means you are judged based on your hair/makeup/clothing/fashion sense and not other accolades.

Women rarely get left alone when it comes to the leering and judging eyes of the world. Sure, age sometimes brings relief, but then you are seen as someone’s “mother” rather than a successful mature woman. Shit, this goes to show that transitioning from male to female is not a CHOICE!! One might argue that transitioning from female to male would be a choice based on no longer being scrutinized on a daily basis of ones looks, but that is not the case. Transgender is not a choice for anyone.

Some feel that being born as I was and being attracted to women, wearing pants, etc. are considered appropriate.

So how much breasts/cleavage do you show to express what you feel you want to, and how much is caving to “what a woman should behave as?”

The pitfall of someone balancing expression: “I don’t feel like wearing makeup nor shaving my legs.” negatively traverses my female expression. You could say that I am hypersensitive to the expressions of gender, having lived/worked/dated/stared/objectified as both. 

Did I mention that I know what runs through a man’s brain? No? Well I didn’t. I will say that I know what CAN run through a man’s brain. I was also raised around the most misogynistic/pro rape men on the planet. I knew pretty early that I was neither “them” nor “a man.”

I will admit that I cling to a few things out of comfort due to the basic fact that I wasn’t born without a vagina, nor plentiful mammary glands (breasts).

Maybe I don’t want to go to a place further outside my own comfort zone.
Maybe I don’t want to leave the impression on you of what I look like without makeup because maybe you won’t invest getting to know me or you are the type of person who doesn’t get past anything.
Maybe I like some to show some sexy legs because I literally have bled for my transition. I shouldn’t have to justify anything in what I choose to express, but in living my life, I am just.

I think you can be a femme pro feminist, and even a transsexual feminist. I also think that it really shouldn’t matter what someone’s outsides look as quoted by me:

Associated Press November 2010

Associated Press November 2010

“This girl in front of me, whether she is wearing pants or a dress, shouldn’t make a difference.” Associated Press November 2010

Lexikat

How do you assist someone who might not ask for help?

I am perplexed.

The root meaning of my name is Greek for “helper”, and it is infected in my heart, soul, and mind to assist ones I love.

  • Do you “sit on your hands” until the problem goes away or fixes itself?
  • Do you “take a pile of money, placed under the problem; set it ablaze” until the problem goes away?
  • Do you run in the 180 degree opposite angle to the problem in a hasty fashion?

Then you have to ask:

  • Are you the type of person with a conscious?
  • Can you sleep at night based on your actions?
  • Do you feel that would help your own problems?

Sigh~

But you cannot force someone to tell you about their problems, and in the end you can figure moving on and spending more time with responsive people.

Thank you

Lexikat

Grasshopper, not Butterfly

Originally posted  Sunday, April 3, 2011

For Transpeople, the analogy of becoming a butterfly is used over and over. Its usage is also incorrect! We are grasshoppers!

Much more beautiful than a butterfly

We do not magically go to sleep and wake up one day all brand new. We resemble the stage before and after our current form. We do not start as grubbing little maggot-caterpillars.
We start out with:
2 arms and
2 legs and
the brain of our identified gender.
We learn that our arms and our legs do nothing for our environment which we see through our brain.

Grasshoppers are born as nymphs. Each stage they shed their skin and grow bigger. Each stage resembles the one before and after the current one. With each shedding of their skin, the wings get longer. One day the stage is reached where the wings are long enough to fly. Then the grasshopper is NOT limited by walking, or jumping, but by FLYING!

Butterfly-ha!

You simply cannot take a person and render them unconscious and through the magic of modern day surgery create as-close-as-born the body they identify with. Then magically wake them up to forget about their past, or their memories they learned the world through all of those senses. Again, refer to the grasshopper prototype!

I am a blank slate at my birth-my life has been recorded on me. As I have grown, I have overcome most obstacles. I have solved most of those problems. No hormone nor surgery can make you accept things about your fate/life. For example, seemingly artificial corrections will not cure a shitty attitude nor make you change your social role. Your social role changes as you change.

It’s TRUE! The longer I have lived as a woman, I still make changes on the social sense. I had not once considered going backwards through the grasshopper stages. Not once, had I thought about growing a beard and chopping off all of my hair! I may have though about jumping off of a bridge but not devolving back to something else.

I believe that your social role before the addition of hormones does play a bigger part than the magic pill fix. Even those people struggling with roles, at the very least they feel where they’d like their life to be.

So at this stage…3 years (now 5 at 2013) after I decided to live how I was born (and not how I was told), 2 years after I introduced the chemicals required to make my mind and body communicate cooperatively rather than dissonantly…I am a flying grasshopper.

However it should be noted that once airborne, there are More predators than on the ground.

Once you get a whole flock of grasshoppers its a plague of locusts of sorts.

Then one day, we shall change the face of the earth for the better.

Its 2 years since this post.
I have been flying around for sometime.

Now to find a nest!

Lexikat