What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

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Sometimes Life Can Remind You Why You Don’t Quit

For the first time in an age, I am completely happy with myself.
My struggles are my own and they seem to be the background noise to which has been the canvas to where I sling color and expression upon “in spite of” at times.

I don’t need someone else to make me happy. Historically, those have turned into that same situation driving me absolutely miserable. I was a willing participant, I will admit that!

But after your poignancy level has tapered off and your thoughts settle, life seems more enjoyable with an augmentation of joy, surpassed with happiness. Things are new again.

Happy times and inspiration as a “muse” to the artist need not be in constant supply. Moments of inspiration cause an avalanche effect cascading the creative process.
Little input yields mass output.

I can welcome this and know that I am better for not leaving San Francisco, not leaving my life, and not leaving me.
Because no matter where you go, there you are!

Lexikat

Link

San Francisco Isn’t Working Class Affordable.

I was in the news, yet again.  (2010)
In San Francisco, Rooms for $1,000/Month Are Now Scarce

There is some certainty about this place…
It has stagnant energy driven by fear that is reduced to complacency.
Single people stay single and don’t often invest in someone to grow with, people in dead end stale relationships seem to stay in those too. Failed marriages are some of the background noise that isn’t always visible at the surface because it all continues on.

BUT ALL OF THIS COMES PUSHING FORWARD, Like an angry crackhead full of garbage bags pushing through on the 71 Haight bus…
SAN FRANCISCO ONLY CHANGES WHEN IT IS INEVITABLE.
There is no other reason to grow a family, build an empire, invest in human beings unless that proverbial push is coming down the tube.
Sure I have a few friends, I’ve even dated.
People on tethers (life support), estranged spouse separated status, old money and or parental support, people under 25 making 6 figures without sweating 10 years for it-no body wants their umbilicus cut, or to leave the cave of illusions.
—————

I did the interview for this article a few weeks ago. I have had a few interviews, and the prospects of living in the East Bay are still that of subtracting the rent total what the transportation fee into San Francisco would affect it as a whole. I took that $900 per month place and am walking the extra distance to work. People that live in the rest of the country would hopefully ask “Why are you paying $900 a month and you aren’t really able afford to eat?” I would reply, if someone ever were to be so bold ask: “I ask myself that same question, and question my sanity at times.” Mostly because I grew up in the middle of the country somewhere between Cornfield, Iowa and Shigpit, Texas. Of course, they will under employ you if your trans in some of those places that will employ you.

I currently work full time above the elevated minimum wage here and its still maddening.

If there is no net gain in the long run, what is the point of investing anything in anything or anyone?
Why live with false hope at the current pace? This isn’t claiming victim status, that’s what it would be if it was this situation and I was unemployed. For people that quickly label people claiming to be a victim need to just look at their own lack of compassion to find their answers.

-Lexikat

1 year ago today, 20 years ago

One year ago today, I was on the porch of a friend’s house in the rain, slightly early with to a Holiday party wearing a short dress, with a busted phone and no number to reach them. I could not tell if the doorbell was even working on the second floor. I mention the broken phone: you can’t call out but you can cycle through texts. I select the text of a girl I just made friends with. She was diagnosed with cancer on Christmas the year before.

I had to get a new phone the very next day. I didn’t have a computer and even a way to talk/text people makes such a difference when you try to hang out or talk to new and old friends.
Especially around the holidays..

I got to visit with someone I went to high school with. I hadn’t seen her in more than 20 years. Her and I briefly worked together. She had brought her mom on this mini-vacation west too. She too had joined the Army, and left the shitty little town we both were in. It was a real treat for me, and I was happy to see people who knew me before “the change” in my life. I am happy that I got to see someone whose life had moved away from the negative ills that can really culminate in a small town. I’m so grateful to have had this moment.

But for now,I will just enjoy the time off of work until the next festival outing.

Peace!

Lexikat

Reclaiming

I know “traditionalists” would say/imply that “if you were born a boy, and then one day shaved your head, that would be apropos.”

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Fortunately, I’m not traditional. I’m also at the point in my life where my expression is a choice.

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I decided to search the internet for “butch clothing” retailers. They are overpriced as can be. Period. But they tend to have suiting that buttons in the “mans” style. They usually tout their clientele as “women, dykes, lesbians, trans boys”. Not a single one listed trans women, nor the neutral “transgender” as a client base. Seems like 2013, the lesbian community as a whole would include “trans lesbians” in their ideology, marketing, etc. No.

I think I can find my own damn style. Who wants to blow $1000 on a buffoon suit? Not me. I’m fine with blazers and slacks/jeans. Girls wear those! So do bois.

I really would like to see a world where butch expression of transwomen be embraced. 

The war on queers, geographical lag of civil rights, has a long way to go in my opinion.

Lexikat

My Year Has Come Full Circle

Its October 31! My new year will start soon. In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, I am a witch. I don’t ride my broom. Samhain does not interfere with my day of birth which is yet another reason why this new year festival makes perfect sense.

My year in review? Its sort of like that.

Health. I had a few benign extractions without a hitch. My health and culture took a major blow from an allergy to Gluten-no more typical bread, beer, pasta, or pizza. Its hard to get a higher protein carbohydrate in my diet now. Gluten-free flour really sucks to use as it has no glue-like properties to stick things together. No stretching of rising dough neither!

Death. I lost a really awesome friend less than a week prior to this post, whom I am still mourning. She and I were making weekend lunch plans up until her untimely death. I can only assume it was health related as her photos show an increase of weight in a short time. She had just married her fiance 2 weeks prior to her death. Maybe she knew. I’ll always love my friend Claire.

Music. My muse and artist are in one body and mind. My hands erupt with obsession on the fretboard of my guitar. My love for musical expression has returned, like never before. I felt that my “musical heart” was broken while my first guitar was missing-in-action. It wasn’t until I was told (put into storage with a friend for 3 years) that it was actually gone 3 year ago.

Solitary-a witch without a coven. I guess I am a bit of a “bad witch”-bad being lazy. I really observe the big Sabbats but tend to be lacking with ritual between those times. I’d like to be doing more, but there seems to be some spiritual blockage or something.

Family. It was officially 5 years since last I spoke to the bad blood family and the good blood family. The good blood family has stayed relatively supportive and I have good communications with them. No apologizes coming from the bad blood anytime soon.My extended family of friends do get less time from me due to my domestic nature. Sorry folks, its not personal.

Enjoy this Samhain, or Halloween safely!

Lexikat
)O(

Don’t Need Nuthin’ But a Good Time

Sure, I could ask the question: “What drives you?” or “What makes life worth the grind and participation for you?” but I’m not.

I am simply going to state a few things that encompass my drive and grind:

  • Hard work yields opportunities that are limited by funds.
  • Cutting distractions saves money. (“Groupon” sites, random catalogs, emails from retailers)
  • Pouring into focus what you really want out of life into long-term manageable goals.
  • Removing people (including blood relatives) that are toxic, abusive, abrasive, etc.
  • Accepting your means (current job), and evaluating the tools needed to go “the distance.”

You will hit some bumps along your grind. You will find distractions being a constant…
but its how you deal with them in general that will help you stay your course.

-Lexikat