Things I learned in 2014

…were all about ME!

What I mean is there was the most self-awareness and discovery making times.

I learned that my PTSD from suffocation is alive and well as suiting up armor for SCA practice. I thank my sibling who tried to choke me a few years ago for that.

I learned more about my useless family in the form of genealogy research that takes me back to the 2nd century Viking kings.

I learned that my concept of love and relationships was challenged to evolve from my previous experiences and practices. Love and interpersonal intimate friendships continue to strengthen and evolve.

I learned a lot about the culture of Burning Man without even going to the playa.

I learned to think before saying or posting things with more restraint than before.

2014 was really about me learning more internally than externally. A newfound self-awareness wouldn’t adequately describe it.

These internal forces were contingent on external nuances and such.

-L

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What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

Why I Was Terrible At Being A Dad

If you don’t know, I *was a parent. At one point I made fertilization of eggs part of those things you can end up doing or such. *Yes I think fate can take that card away and create the status “was”.

My oldest child was born June 2, 1994 at about 4:30 pm. That day, as they were stitching up my wife’s episiotomy, immediately after my daughter’s first breath of life, my new baby and I stared eye to eye for what seems an eternity. As I feel now, and back then-there was something I saw of depth, distance, and life going outward in her eyes. They also said to me: “I’ll need you in my own journey.”

As our new family unit went along, my wife quickly raised issue that I was “supposed to be bolder and protective of your daughter”. I don’t think I am supposed to act like a “knuckle-dragging-ape” and really resented her. My daughter developed into my little buddy, my shadow. That ended at the separation when she was just a year and a half old.

So my divorce made twins from the most willing girl at my workplace. Fate would have us split, but the children were removed from her custody and I “retained” custody until a relationship and “instant family” with too many people involved caused legal problems and I had my rights terminated. During that “run” of being a dad, there were a lot of “Oh dad, why can’t you get it right” type characters on television and movies. I had my then lover’s mother telling me how to do this and how to do that.
After the children we’re removed and placed with Department of Human Services, I had the oldest-values-about-to-retire woman give me a list of requirements and such before they would consider reunification.
Needless to say….

But the common and central thing, as I did not transition until later, was this imaginary ideal of what you are actually doing as a dad. Every moment of your life, was everyone’s business to tell you how “fathers are supposed to act and be doing.” I loved my children, loved them deeply. As the world full of opinions around me finally collapsed, it took that whole role of simply being a parent away.

I started my transition within a year of being free of parenting obligations. The largest influencing factor of being “authentic me”, was shutting off of everyone who made it their business to tell me how to conduct myself.

So regardless of whether I hurt inside by not being me, I was even less me and was a terrible father because of nothing but people telling me what to do. As in any case, they should have invested more in themselves.

-Lexikat

March of Support & Show of Pride

Happy Pride!

So that time of year has come and gone in San Francisco once again. I’ll admit that this was the first Trans March I had walked in since moving here 4 years ago. It also was the first time someone has put themselves out in the public “officially” showing support of me.
(I’ve not had the fortune to have had a family member do such a thing, as I was pretty much shunned by blood and attacked, sometimes verbally, by the other.)

She, my girlfriend, stood (or rather sat in a wheelchair) with an intricately detailed sign. It was something that really showed the love and outpouring of support she has been willing to put into me.

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When she first showed it to me, it took a few moments for barriers to crumble down to the point of happy tears.
“Why has anyone ever taken this much investment into me?” was really apparent. Her outpouring and support does show in her pride in me, being who that I am, is something that doesn’t change.

Making the news was kind of cool. There were many people taking photos because of how “cute” or how “amazing” of a pairing/supportive couple we were. Photo link from SFGate.org The Chronicle. Photo by Craig Hudson.

The Trans March is a protest  march; it is for the open visibility of gender variant people, as well as a time to voice change, acceptance, support, and pride within this fraction of the queer community. There were a lot of people displaying support for Chelsea Manning among the march. Hand in hand were a few people displaying “proud parent of a trangendered child” signs and shirts. It was a really beautiful thing.

As we had planned to also do the Dyke March on the following day, exhaustion on both our behalves kept us from attending. (2+ mile parade route plus to and from the subway stations as well)

As for the “pride” of Pride, it hit me on a more personal level than I could have imagined before.

Happy Pride!

Lexikat

Information Overload

I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.

Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.

Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.

I need to learn to listen?

Not exactly.

This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.

Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.

Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.

I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.

As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.

In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.

Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.

-Lexikat

Looking Back And Finding What Was Good

I was recently challenged by the “counsel” of my girlfriend.
The challenge: Since we know what you want to avoid, tell me what you enjoyed about all of your last relationships/partnerships.

Sounds easy?
If there is hurt, then it takes more effort.

Pain is generally easy to avoid, but in making that my focus there is much that I would no longer be open to.

Hiding from being my true self,
Trying to satiate myself without doing any work,
Being the object of affection,
Being a girl in a lesbian relationship,
Being sexually active after a period of inactivity,
Trying to be a parent…

A lot of my relationships had no depth. They were simply validating on some level

I joke about my skills that only seem to improve as I practice my craft and such, but there is more to life than simply showing up and doing the same thing everyday. The process of simply finding someone who has substance in harmony with my own is the ideal goal.

Never pick the prettiest, nor the smartest, nor the sexiest, nor the richest, nor the most available.

Find someone you can connect the positive points upon.
Be you-the true you.
Be happy with yourself and your life.

Nobody will complete you, but they might compliment you.

-L

Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat