March of Support & Show of Pride

Happy Pride!

So that time of year has come and gone in San Francisco once again. I’ll admit that this was the first Trans March I had walked in since moving here 4 years ago. It also was the first time someone has put themselves out in the public “officially” showing support of me.
(I’ve not had the fortune to have had a family member do such a thing, as I was pretty much shunned by blood and attacked, sometimes verbally, by the other.)

She, my girlfriend, stood (or rather sat in a wheelchair) with an intricately detailed sign. It was something that really showed the love and outpouring of support she has been willing to put into me.

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When she first showed it to me, it took a few moments for barriers to crumble down to the point of happy tears.
“Why has anyone ever taken this much investment into me?” was really apparent. Her outpouring and support does show in her pride in me, being who that I am, is something that doesn’t change.

Making the news was kind of cool. There were many people taking photos because of how “cute” or how “amazing” of a pairing/supportive couple we were. Photo link from SFGate.org The Chronicle. Photo by Craig Hudson.

The Trans March is a protest  march; it is for the open visibility of gender variant people, as well as a time to voice change, acceptance, support, and pride within this fraction of the queer community. There were a lot of people displaying support for Chelsea Manning among the march. Hand in hand were a few people displaying “proud parent of a trangendered child” signs and shirts. It was a really beautiful thing.

As we had planned to also do the Dyke March on the following day, exhaustion on both our behalves kept us from attending. (2+ mile parade route plus to and from the subway stations as well)

As for the “pride” of Pride, it hit me on a more personal level than I could have imagined before.

Happy Pride!

Lexikat

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San Francisco Isn’t Working Class Affordable.

I was in the news, yet again.  (2010)
In San Francisco, Rooms for $1,000/Month Are Now Scarce

There is some certainty about this place…
It has stagnant energy driven by fear that is reduced to complacency.
Single people stay single and don’t often invest in someone to grow with, people in dead end stale relationships seem to stay in those too. Failed marriages are some of the background noise that isn’t always visible at the surface because it all continues on.

BUT ALL OF THIS COMES PUSHING FORWARD, Like an angry crackhead full of garbage bags pushing through on the 71 Haight bus…
SAN FRANCISCO ONLY CHANGES WHEN IT IS INEVITABLE.
There is no other reason to grow a family, build an empire, invest in human beings unless that proverbial push is coming down the tube.
Sure I have a few friends, I’ve even dated.
People on tethers (life support), estranged spouse separated status, old money and or parental support, people under 25 making 6 figures without sweating 10 years for it-no body wants their umbilicus cut, or to leave the cave of illusions.
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I did the interview for this article a few weeks ago. I have had a few interviews, and the prospects of living in the East Bay are still that of subtracting the rent total what the transportation fee into San Francisco would affect it as a whole. I took that $900 per month place and am walking the extra distance to work. People that live in the rest of the country would hopefully ask “Why are you paying $900 a month and you aren’t really able afford to eat?” I would reply, if someone ever were to be so bold ask: “I ask myself that same question, and question my sanity at times.” Mostly because I grew up in the middle of the country somewhere between Cornfield, Iowa and Shigpit, Texas. Of course, they will under employ you if your trans in some of those places that will employ you.

I currently work full time above the elevated minimum wage here and its still maddening.

If there is no net gain in the long run, what is the point of investing anything in anything or anyone?
Why live with false hope at the current pace? This isn’t claiming victim status, that’s what it would be if it was this situation and I was unemployed. For people that quickly label people claiming to be a victim need to just look at their own lack of compassion to find their answers.

-Lexikat

Diamond Queer Dyke

Diamonds are crystals of Carbon that only develop under intense pressure. The crystal lattice that make up their strength and luster can only come about this way.

Having lived through my life in growth cycle that my queerness came:
Awareness-Shame-Closet-Repression-Exit Closet-Ridicule-Rejection-Expression-Evolution-Acceptance
is a process that I say is similar to what creates the Uniqueness, Individuality, Hardness, Desirability, Value of queers.

Diamonds do sometimes wear from their environment. It was their environment that tempered their hard exterior…

Most queers I have met are not “garden variety” or bland; they stand out almost immediately from a crowd.

Most often Diamonds are on display, locked up, adorned on ones body…it can also be said of queers.

Queers aren’t ignored by mainstream, they get praised and persecuted. Token Gay Friend. Token Transsexual. Down Low. Secret Mistress. Escort for Hire. Tranny Porn. Test Drive. Experimental.

EXOTIQUE – EXOTIC – EROTIC – FETISH – FETISHIST

I figure queers can be reclusive and withdrawn much like Diamonds, at least in my case. I long for acceptance into certain circles and yet my status makes me something different than the rest-a  “Diamond in the Rough”

I suppose its rough being a Diamond.

The understanding comes mostly from other Diamonds-out and proud visible Diamonds.

I suppose the greatest pressure could create the most spectacular Diamond, but at what cost?

-Lexikat

Reclaiming

I know “traditionalists” would say/imply that “if you were born a boy, and then one day shaved your head, that would be apropos.”

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Fortunately, I’m not traditional. I’m also at the point in my life where my expression is a choice.

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I decided to search the internet for “butch clothing” retailers. They are overpriced as can be. Period. But they tend to have suiting that buttons in the “mans” style. They usually tout their clientele as “women, dykes, lesbians, trans boys”. Not a single one listed trans women, nor the neutral “transgender” as a client base. Seems like 2013, the lesbian community as a whole would include “trans lesbians” in their ideology, marketing, etc. No.

I think I can find my own damn style. Who wants to blow $1000 on a buffoon suit? Not me. I’m fine with blazers and slacks/jeans. Girls wear those! So do bois.

I really would like to see a world where butch expression of transwomen be embraced. 

The war on queers, geographical lag of civil rights, has a long way to go in my opinion.

Lexikat

Marriage of Society

So today was a historical event for queer rights in California. You can now (after the official word has been handed down) get married to your partner.
Did this invalidate heterosexual marriages already existing?
No.
Did it make a mockery of standing heterosexual marriages?
No, that had been happening since divorce, adultery, and domestic violence has been around.
“It wasn’t Adam and Steve…” says some who are quoting scripture, when in fact they ignore the infamous story about removing body parts from another man to grow a human being.
That is preposterous! (Gen 2:22)

Lexikat

The Dividing Line of Feminism and Expression

I’m conscious, no doubt. Most of the world’s ration and reason anymore hurt my brain.

This doesn’t “interfere” with my daily existence as much as it enhances it. Its problematic at times because the world, and my world have many layers. I did live the first 35 years fooling others to believe I was a man (but never fooled myself).

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“Looking like I did, I always thought I was smart and not good looking. I had never felt this outside looked like my inner self-she stayed hidden for 8 more years after this photo.”

Picket fence, college, military…I had some typical as well as high-risk career choices that were considerably masculine. I spent time convincing myself more than other people and thus: being a male in all outward appearances and social roles- WERE simply a stage I went through before embracing my true self. But transitioning back east meant I was surrounded by an automobile to-and-from work, school, home. You don’t socially interact with anyone in a car, basically.

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“People would kill to have a body like mine, or just kill me?”
Statistically, trans people survive suicide and are faced with a higher homicide rate-rarely killed by women.

Expressing my female self isn’t without daily scrutiny from men and women alike: a man can be butt-ugly but as long as he is powerful/rich/physically strong he is pedestalled and embraced for doing what success was defined to mean; for the woman it means you are judged based on your hair/makeup/clothing/fashion sense and not other accolades.

Women rarely get left alone when it comes to the leering and judging eyes of the world. Sure, age sometimes brings relief, but then you are seen as someone’s “mother” rather than a successful mature woman. Shit, this goes to show that transitioning from male to female is not a CHOICE!! One might argue that transitioning from female to male would be a choice based on no longer being scrutinized on a daily basis of ones looks, but that is not the case. Transgender is not a choice for anyone.

Some feel that being born as I was and being attracted to women, wearing pants, etc. are considered appropriate.

So how much breasts/cleavage do you show to express what you feel you want to, and how much is caving to “what a woman should behave as?”

The pitfall of someone balancing expression: “I don’t feel like wearing makeup nor shaving my legs.” negatively traverses my female expression. You could say that I am hypersensitive to the expressions of gender, having lived/worked/dated/stared/objectified as both. 

Did I mention that I know what runs through a man’s brain? No? Well I didn’t. I will say that I know what CAN run through a man’s brain. I was also raised around the most misogynistic/pro rape men on the planet. I knew pretty early that I was neither “them” nor “a man.”

I will admit that I cling to a few things out of comfort due to the basic fact that I wasn’t born without a vagina, nor plentiful mammary glands (breasts).

Maybe I don’t want to go to a place further outside my own comfort zone.
Maybe I don’t want to leave the impression on you of what I look like without makeup because maybe you won’t invest getting to know me or you are the type of person who doesn’t get past anything.
Maybe I like some to show some sexy legs because I literally have bled for my transition. I shouldn’t have to justify anything in what I choose to express, but in living my life, I am just.

I think you can be a femme pro feminist, and even a transsexual feminist. I also think that it really shouldn’t matter what someone’s outsides look as quoted by me:

Associated Press November 2010

Associated Press November 2010

“This girl in front of me, whether she is wearing pants or a dress, shouldn’t make a difference.” Associated Press November 2010

Lexikat