Have you ever fallen?

Have you ever fallen deeply in love?
Have you ever fallen so hard it feels like an anvil attached to your heart as it went?
Has the pull ever felt like a yanking from a black hole?

Has it ever been that the moment you realized that you fell so hard, this person was not available to interact or reciprocate?
Was it something you buried from view, hoping that time would simply make it go away? Piled under a friendship, hoping the weight of the friendship would conceal the edges?
Did you hide it behind a slightly diminished smile?
Do you find that spontaneity of pure joy to be guarded forevermore?

Did you cry so hard that a river began to surge through its courses, until the end of time?

Have you ever fallen?

I had.

I am open to the future,
if its any consolation.

-L

Things I learned in 2014

…were all about ME!

What I mean is there was the most self-awareness and discovery making times.

I learned that my PTSD from suffocation is alive and well as suiting up armor for SCA practice. I thank my sibling who tried to choke me a few years ago for that.

I learned more about my useless family in the form of genealogy research that takes me back to the 2nd century Viking kings.

I learned that my concept of love and relationships was challenged to evolve from my previous experiences and practices. Love and interpersonal intimate friendships continue to strengthen and evolve.

I learned a lot about the culture of Burning Man without even going to the playa.

I learned to think before saying or posting things with more restraint than before.

2014 was really about me learning more internally than externally. A newfound self-awareness wouldn’t adequately describe it.

These internal forces were contingent on external nuances and such.

-L

Reclaiming Reflecting Contemplation Completion

It’s an interesting space I find my mind and emotions in lately.
One could say that I was “on the verge of drowning in love” as it were.
One could say that.

I say things like, “I haven’t had the simple support and embrace from my world, outside of work, be willing, supportive, interested, and willing to develop nurturing and stronger friendships/bonds for this length of time in my life ever.”

Perhaps the accursed can have their hex broken, fates shattered, prison walls crumble from around their heart/soul/mind?

I believe so.
I also firmly believe that if something bad happened in my life, I’d still have an awesome partner & friends-that-are-family support network to my emotional and mental health-to the extent that I would hardly be scathed by the ordeal.

…….

I have started reclaiming some of my known heritage (rather than unknown and questionable) of my Danish blood in the form of language and cuisine. It’s actually helped me make a few friendships with people in lands as far away as Finland & Sweden to where I have found learning Swedish a bit easier due to similarities to Danish and German. Danish/Scandinavian Foods seem to help my digestive process of lowering glycemic indexes and making use of seasonal fruits and vegetables more so than any other cooking I have explored.

My guitar playing and seeking a band has stalled a bit, I believe that I will make a push for finding a band in 2015. Yes, it will have to be free of drama and something I can make some rockin’ tunes with.

As they say: “So many feels”

Skål!

LL

What’s My Age Again?

So I’ve decided to climb down off of my tree stump in the urban forest and write a bit about my age. How old do I feel versus How old do I look versus How old I am?
I’m 43 next month. I still get carded for alcohol, though I have been 21 twice at this point. Usually to some complimentary disbelief from the salesperson….

As I am a bit black mohawked and tattooed, I have decided to embrace my grey; however, the mohawk stays.

My peer friends closer to my age are what have really resonated with me, as the best way I could explain it. I wear a bra a lot less and rather enjoy the lack of restriction.

Being embraced as an equal by caring friends that basically are my family seems to effect me in very positive ways and have let barriers and walls fall, crumble, and even in time perhaps fade away.

Much love,

L

Why I Was Terrible At Being A Dad

If you don’t know, I *was a parent. At one point I made fertilization of eggs part of those things you can end up doing or such. *Yes I think fate can take that card away and create the status “was”.

My oldest child was born June 2, 1994 at about 4:30 pm. That day, as they were stitching up my wife’s episiotomy, immediately after my daughter’s first breath of life, my new baby and I stared eye to eye for what seems an eternity. As I feel now, and back then-there was something I saw of depth, distance, and life going outward in her eyes. They also said to me: “I’ll need you in my own journey.”

As our new family unit went along, my wife quickly raised issue that I was “supposed to be bolder and protective of your daughter”. I don’t think I am supposed to act like a “knuckle-dragging-ape” and really resented her. My daughter developed into my little buddy, my shadow. That ended at the separation when she was just a year and a half old.

So my divorce made twins from the most willing girl at my workplace. Fate would have us split, but the children were removed from her custody and I “retained” custody until a relationship and “instant family” with too many people involved caused legal problems and I had my rights terminated. During that “run” of being a dad, there were a lot of “Oh dad, why can’t you get it right” type characters on television and movies. I had my then lover’s mother telling me how to do this and how to do that.
After the children we’re removed and placed with Department of Human Services, I had the oldest-values-about-to-retire woman give me a list of requirements and such before they would consider reunification.
Needless to say….

But the common and central thing, as I did not transition until later, was this imaginary ideal of what you are actually doing as a dad. Every moment of your life, was everyone’s business to tell you how “fathers are supposed to act and be doing.” I loved my children, loved them deeply. As the world full of opinions around me finally collapsed, it took that whole role of simply being a parent away.

I started my transition within a year of being free of parenting obligations. The largest influencing factor of being “authentic me”, was shutting off of everyone who made it their business to tell me how to conduct myself.

So regardless of whether I hurt inside by not being me, I was even less me and was a terrible father because of nothing but people telling me what to do. As in any case, they should have invested more in themselves.

-Lexikat

The Little Prince inside us all

For the first time in my life, I am reading  Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The book is popularly known by its English title “The Little Prince“.
True, that it is a children’s book. I had seen a movie of it once, even a stage production back in ’80 as well.

The themes I find nearing the end is that adults tend to be wrapped in an absurdity of stoic logic and as such are the most illogical when it comes down to enjoying the beauty of the most common or simple pleasures in life. As we mature, we could keep some of this curiosity and care without so quickly rejecting it.

The story of the rose hit me pretty heavy. I did find much water leaking from my eyes for a couple of minutes because of the fine personification that the author leads the character’s place among her intricacies.

I find that the people among the journey like the king, the tippler, the businessman-all seem like parts we could have been at some point.

There isn’t a single question that the Little Prince lets go of until he receives an answer to.

Perhaps his biggest redeeming factor is that his curiosity is persistant-things that adults forget about.

Its a book I think most people, like myself, may have missed.

-Lexikat

Information Overload

I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.

Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.

Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.

I need to learn to listen?

Not exactly.

This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.

Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.

Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.

I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.

As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.

In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.

Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.

-Lexikat