Growing In Love

About “falling” in love:
If you are really growing as a person,
growing as a couple through positive discussion & finding boundaries,
growing to learn to anticipate needs,
growing fond of their participation in your world,
growing trust and mutual security in their presence,
growing is movement against the static forces of the world,
growing content with the idea that “your life is good”
and they help make it awesome…that they aren’t just some craving at a food party or impulse buy at a store.

Can’t we just call it: “Growing In Love” instead?

“Watch for falling objects” inevitably leads to the moment of impact.
Falling from grace,
Falling from a building..SPLAT!

(Somebody would have to scrape the sidewalk)

Growing in Love” is good.

Lexikat

Wind of Silence Without Anxiety

Luft
(German)
Vent
(French)

Both mean simply Air-or wind.

My new trial of being a Girlfriend to an amazing potential partner did seem to come to a mutual agreement of letting the natural space of sound intrude and embracing the background information. Why? Sometimes you just have to be able to get to sleep, or wind down, or settle in. Lower your anxiety without stirring the situation more.

“Shut up”, or “silence” or even “shhhhhh” are abrupt and generally tend to not be so kind. You really want to defer to being kind to someone you potentially see in long-term plans.

Why this approach?
She is a professional therapist. Not in the “doesn’t it drive you crazy that your girlfriend is always analyzing you?” sense. More to the sense of “There is some strong intellectual, spiritual, and emotional basis for trying harder and in a more effective manner than in either of our pasts.”

So basically, if you’d like a non-awkward silence but merely a breather or pause with your partner…
consider a mutual word of silence to invoke that applies to both of you.
You might enjoy the sound of the wind with each other.

Lexikat

Disclaimer: this person is not my therapist nor was my therapist. This technique may or may not be some professional tool or area of study by persons within the mental health career field.

Disclaimer: I am happy and she is too.

Why A Gender Shift Can Feel A Bit Like Doctor Who

Who?
Doctor Who?

Doctor Who being the science fantasy television program on BBC for the last 50 years. The main protagonist simply known as “The Doctor” to the viewers. He has many adventures with various companions while traveling through time and space. He appears human, and has a very strong affinity to nurturing and protecting the human race. However, he is not human. He is Gallifreyan-a Time Lord. Their biology causes them to regenerate after a number of years, typically spawned by a sustained injury.There has at least been speculation that these regenerations can involve a gender change, but usually is a completely different looking and acting(and dressing) character with most core parts of The Doctor’s characteristics. Some of his quirks really shift a lot more than you would think, but it keeps it all fresh in my opinion.
At times, I feel that I am not human..

So how does this entertain the idea that your “transition” is anything like that?
(I only know of my own experience and what few stories others have shared of their own journey.)

Myself-35 years as a boy/male (give or take), had many different careers/roles:
Soldier, teacher, husband, father, mechanic, carpenter, clerk, guitarist in metal band, singer, college student…these did have different expressions of hair, clothing, cars, houses, etc.
Granted I was petty repressed in avoiding being myself, but my core was pretty consistent. I am: a nurturer, teacher, lover, musician, caregiver, poet, artist-and will always beI’ll cleverly avoid a fight, but a true warrior knows when to fight!
I too, have had some pretty colorful companions not unlike the Doctor at times..family, lovers, friends, animals.

Transition-its not a destination. No matter what anyone suggests, because life itself is a journey and not a destination. (Get over it and embrace it.) So during the beginning of this phase there is of course the wigs in lieu of the hair in process of growing out. Wardrobe? Adolescent, edgy, vampish, sex bomb, blonde bombshell, college co-ed, the Audrey Hepburn, cyber-goth industrial girl, punk rocker, post-apocalypse dyke. For me, the biggest part of change was the hormones that let my brain that “always knew/felt that I was a girl” for this entire time, could at least not hate the body my mind was born into. That body quickly changed and perhaps parts of my mind as well…

My memories at times are something that are very clear and are relevant to my daily activities and problem solving. However, there are times that Who something happened to in my past feels very much like another person. Swiss cheese memory as referred to in science fiction…

Music? I was a bass player and keyboard player up until I started exploring my gender expression by going out dressed. Guitar soon came after this period.
Parenting? Some argue that you are always a parent, but the interaction with my own children was limited to only the time I expressed as a boy. I haven’t been a parent as a woman. Not even to a puppy at this writing.
Tattoos? Well, I got my first during my time “in-flux” of deciding whether going out on the weekends and hating who I was or wasn’t. My ink collection snowballed and really started with “my first girl tattoo” to my most current one.
Family? There is a lot less blood relatives around, much as the First Doctor saying goodbye to Susan, but my extended family is tremendous and still growing. They have a stronger bond with me than I could have ever imagined.
Other things I have picked up since transitioning: learning Italian, cello, guitar with a deeper focus, writing, oh and of course more allergies. I am sure that I have my share of quirks too.

I lost my singing voice for the price that I paid and I am looking to find it or whatever voice this body chooses to resonate.

The journey through time-and space, occasionally gives glimpses of times in your life where you were really proud of your accomplishments and who you were at that individual moment. I feel its important to reflect into those journeys for strength, knowledge, and wisdom. Who you were isn’t always Who you are at the moment. But we all seem to be a collective of all our incarnations (good/bad, boy/girl, love/hate).

If you do find yourself having problems with your collective, or even evolving… perhaps you should call the Doctor?

Lexikat

(Gender shift  = transition = life is a journey for everyone regardless of cis or transgender)

My Year Has Come Full Circle

Its October 31! My new year will start soon. In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, I am a witch. I don’t ride my broom. Samhain does not interfere with my day of birth which is yet another reason why this new year festival makes perfect sense.

My year in review? Its sort of like that.

Health. I had a few benign extractions without a hitch. My health and culture took a major blow from an allergy to Gluten-no more typical bread, beer, pasta, or pizza. Its hard to get a higher protein carbohydrate in my diet now. Gluten-free flour really sucks to use as it has no glue-like properties to stick things together. No stretching of rising dough neither!

Death. I lost a really awesome friend less than a week prior to this post, whom I am still mourning. She and I were making weekend lunch plans up until her untimely death. I can only assume it was health related as her photos show an increase of weight in a short time. She had just married her fiance 2 weeks prior to her death. Maybe she knew. I’ll always love my friend Claire.

Music. My muse and artist are in one body and mind. My hands erupt with obsession on the fretboard of my guitar. My love for musical expression has returned, like never before. I felt that my “musical heart” was broken while my first guitar was missing-in-action. It wasn’t until I was told (put into storage with a friend for 3 years) that it was actually gone 3 year ago.

Solitary-a witch without a coven. I guess I am a bit of a “bad witch”-bad being lazy. I really observe the big Sabbats but tend to be lacking with ritual between those times. I’d like to be doing more, but there seems to be some spiritual blockage or something.

Family. It was officially 5 years since last I spoke to the bad blood family and the good blood family. The good blood family has stayed relatively supportive and I have good communications with them. No apologizes coming from the bad blood anytime soon.My extended family of friends do get less time from me due to my domestic nature. Sorry folks, its not personal.

Enjoy this Samhain, or Halloween safely!

Lexikat
)O(

Live to Ride-Ride to Live

“Bicycle, bicycle! I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike!”

Not without a lock!!

I recently was given a bicycle by one of my friends. Free-of-charge being its condition. Its condition was that it was involved in an accident where the front gear crank (power gear) was bent. They insisted that a professional would need a few hundred to fix this 6 month old bike, it took an hour of banging with a hammer, twisting with some channel lock pliers.
Maybe less than an hour….

and then I could move faster and further than my feet normally allow…just a determined girl swinging a heavy object and things change…

I met my friend for a short ride to a restaurant. The sushi was good, the ride better. When we left we rode together after purchasing batteries for the lights on mine. Mad dash to be first and just being excited and joyed to be doing a new thing together.

 

This makes for a unique situation. Fun.
The biggest investment will be about $90 for a lock because people steal bicycles like mad around here. Friday when I left the city, there were some homeless men with a shopping cart loaded with bike parts, which I suspect were taken without permission. Stolen….

Not mine!

So for now we are coordinating trips together.

If it can’t be fixed with a hammer, then it can’t be fixed!!

So far, so good.

Lexikat

Breaking Bad-Habits

Old habits are hard to break, so the saying goes.

So where does one start? At their past-the root of the problems; or at the present-where they cause the deepest impact?
My past-well, its pretty much hermetically sealed for outsiders. It’s not malleable where we can take it and bend it to what we wish it looked like.
Not likely that would ever happen.

The present is the part of the spectrum that we happen to be present-in the now. This is the part which you are reading this sentence and can choose to leave at this period.

But if you continue to read this blog, like most people do, you tell yourself that you can shape it as it happens-or make decisions based on when you receive new data/input from your world. “I am in control of my destiny.”
Something like that.

Yes we have personal responsibility, but anyone can be pragmatic. Sometimes its a simple decision to put down the sword and pick up a pen-diplomacy and an open ear opens more barriers and opportunities for growth than anything in your past can be custom made to work. The past is not some part that does not fit and can be tooled/worked/ground to the shape that it becomes most useful in your present.

So I mentioned Breaking Bad at some point, well?
I think that Walt’s demise and resolution to the story will be that he simply has become what choice and road he never took, or ever spoke up about his own thoughts and thus in his death will become whole upon his terms.

Anyhow.

Lexikat

4 Elemental Forces of My Day

  • FIRE:

The burning fires of the sun awaken my senses. Illumination creeping in through the blinds  (blocked from my partner because of her sleep mask), stirs my slumber long before my alarm goes off. The alarm merely confirms that my senses are correct in starting my day-any and everyday I live. The crackling and sizzling of food in the pan-electric or gas (fire), do liven your senses into breakfast (breaking one’s fast) into being; cold cereal (Panda Puffs) not so much.

  • AIR:

True, my altar has the air/wind element of an owl feather I found on the 3-mile walk when I first visited the Golden Gate Bridge, I am reminded almost daily of the wind that carries me as a airborne vessel…

Not often is there a calm to be found outside my home. A swirling is present on my street when I first leave the door. Often too, the walkway is littered with feathers of easily recognized bird species. The closer I walk towards the subway (20 minutes away) the wind gains momentum along the route. I am also moving in the direction of the Bay. Once in The City, I am greeted with a blast of colder (and much denser, moist air) wall of wind. i scurry another 10 minutes from the subway to my building.

  •  EARTH:

Upon arriving to my job during the week, I pile my purse, backpack, lunch sack, coat, blazer, onto my workstation. (During the weekend, I read, write, research from the couch. The wind greets me when I leave for errands or walking the dog.) I feel my senses regaining lots bits from the sardine-can feeling from the subway. I sit and focus in a grounded sense of “planning my day” ahead. This moment of projection from a grounded sense does project the overall mood and productivity of my day.

As an “earth sign”, I find that this era of my life is most grounded but also most balanced in contrast to my youth. The years of restlessness and wandering have settled to sensibility and substance.

  • WATER:

At the end of my days, I am sitting to enjoy the smells and swirling sensations of social meals (in contrast of simply “eating”) with my partner, my love. Food, beverage, wine flow across the palate. When I finally find the activity of merging the activity of my partner’s day with mine, and the television has been tuned off…I wait for the tides of sleep to flow over me, and drift me with the current to the journey of sleep. Sleep is not a destination! Sleep is a journey down the river of the flowing life-a crossing of an ocean.

And thus I’ve felt the 4 elements in every day of my experiences. I have discovered that there’s never a day that it doesn’t happen.

What routines in your day happen most often?

If you are Pagan/Wiccan, what of the 4 elements do you feel in your lives?

~Lexikat