Information Overload

I s’pose my ability to study (and study the refinements of grammar) of 4 languages simultaneously is one of the skills of my rapid-fire sequence brain. Having studied Spanish in college and still using it almost daily, Its helpful to strengthen basics. The Italian that came to be a language that I could also think in needs refining into something other than speaking the local tongue. German is new and I love it. French is the language of my girlfriend and so its always something I can find a better way to share experiences with her. How does one work on a little bit here and a little bit there? A website and app called Duolingo. Its fun that you can also connect to other friends and monitor each others’ progress.

Too, I am an artist. Expression comes naturally as breathing. Some expression is productive; at other times its emotive. Poetry, song, chords, scales, lyrics, and even a few drawings scrawled across pages or margins can flow like a river. This river swells to near-floodlike conditions, torrents and currents flow in rapid succession. There have been droughts, where the flow would just qualify being called a “flow”.

Some of my best attributes do make conversing with other “humans” difficult. Communication is clear, but gets impeded by differing communication style.

I need to learn to listen?

Not exactly.

This is where I say an analogy to cars/driving:
In racing, a governor is often an item that restricts the flow of fuel & air into an engine thereby limiting the production of power to the rear wheels, also known as SPEED.

Sounds good for cars, for people not so much.

Finding a happy medium of properly expressing thoughts & ideas without “restricting” content or sincerity and honesty is the tricky part, or slippery slope.

I’m really racking my brain for opportunities. Therapists that could really do some progress on this “skill of mine” would be few and far between, but not completely ruled out. A group of friends that hung out with to chat about deeper shit (listening to my rant and developing criticism and/or evaluation because or indifference to it) would be cool.
Car reference: A group of friends to pop a beer and wrench on an old Camaro and talk about each other’s lives would be a nice format.

As with anything, the cost of drinking and playing pool, therapy, buying a Camaro and parts and the place to rent garage space…..
all becomes a factor.

In finding a solution, I must try.
Then I must continue to try.
I’ll have to continue to try with the many setbacks that will inevitably occur from “the process”.

Life isn’t easy, once you get past the big parts, you cannot fall into the pitfall of small obstacle quagmire of progress.

-Lexikat

Sometimes Life Can Remind You Why You Don’t Quit

For the first time in an age, I am completely happy with myself.
My struggles are my own and they seem to be the background noise to which has been the canvas to where I sling color and expression upon “in spite of” at times.

I don’t need someone else to make me happy. Historically, those have turned into that same situation driving me absolutely miserable. I was a willing participant, I will admit that!

But after your poignancy level has tapered off and your thoughts settle, life seems more enjoyable with an augmentation of joy, surpassed with happiness. Things are new again.

Happy times and inspiration as a “muse” to the artist need not be in constant supply. Moments of inspiration cause an avalanche effect cascading the creative process.
Little input yields mass output.

I can welcome this and know that I am better for not leaving San Francisco, not leaving my life, and not leaving me.
Because no matter where you go, there you are!

Lexikat

Why A Gender Shift Can Feel A Bit Like Doctor Who

Who?
Doctor Who?

Doctor Who being the science fantasy television program on BBC for the last 50 years. The main protagonist simply known as “The Doctor” to the viewers. He has many adventures with various companions while traveling through time and space. He appears human, and has a very strong affinity to nurturing and protecting the human race. However, he is not human. He is Gallifreyan-a Time Lord. Their biology causes them to regenerate after a number of years, typically spawned by a sustained injury.There has at least been speculation that these regenerations can involve a gender change, but usually is a completely different looking and acting(and dressing) character with most core parts of The Doctor’s characteristics. Some of his quirks really shift a lot more than you would think, but it keeps it all fresh in my opinion.
At times, I feel that I am not human..

So how does this entertain the idea that your “transition” is anything like that?
(I only know of my own experience and what few stories others have shared of their own journey.)

Myself-35 years as a boy/male (give or take), had many different careers/roles:
Soldier, teacher, husband, father, mechanic, carpenter, clerk, guitarist in metal band, singer, college student…these did have different expressions of hair, clothing, cars, houses, etc.
Granted I was petty repressed in avoiding being myself, but my core was pretty consistent. I am: a nurturer, teacher, lover, musician, caregiver, poet, artist-and will always beI’ll cleverly avoid a fight, but a true warrior knows when to fight!
I too, have had some pretty colorful companions not unlike the Doctor at times..family, lovers, friends, animals.

Transition-its not a destination. No matter what anyone suggests, because life itself is a journey and not a destination. (Get over it and embrace it.) So during the beginning of this phase there is of course the wigs in lieu of the hair in process of growing out. Wardrobe? Adolescent, edgy, vampish, sex bomb, blonde bombshell, college co-ed, the Audrey Hepburn, cyber-goth industrial girl, punk rocker, post-apocalypse dyke. For me, the biggest part of change was the hormones that let my brain that “always knew/felt that I was a girl” for this entire time, could at least not hate the body my mind was born into. That body quickly changed and perhaps parts of my mind as well…

My memories at times are something that are very clear and are relevant to my daily activities and problem solving. However, there are times that Who something happened to in my past feels very much like another person. Swiss cheese memory as referred to in science fiction…

Music? I was a bass player and keyboard player up until I started exploring my gender expression by going out dressed. Guitar soon came after this period.
Parenting? Some argue that you are always a parent, but the interaction with my own children was limited to only the time I expressed as a boy. I haven’t been a parent as a woman. Not even to a puppy at this writing.
Tattoos? Well, I got my first during my time “in-flux” of deciding whether going out on the weekends and hating who I was or wasn’t. My ink collection snowballed and really started with “my first girl tattoo” to my most current one.
Family? There is a lot less blood relatives around, much as the First Doctor saying goodbye to Susan, but my extended family is tremendous and still growing. They have a stronger bond with me than I could have ever imagined.
Other things I have picked up since transitioning: learning Italian, cello, guitar with a deeper focus, writing, oh and of course more allergies. I am sure that I have my share of quirks too.

I lost my singing voice for the price that I paid and I am looking to find it or whatever voice this body chooses to resonate.

The journey through time-and space, occasionally gives glimpses of times in your life where you were really proud of your accomplishments and who you were at that individual moment. I feel its important to reflect into those journeys for strength, knowledge, and wisdom. Who you were isn’t always Who you are at the moment. But we all seem to be a collective of all our incarnations (good/bad, boy/girl, love/hate).

If you do find yourself having problems with your collective, or even evolving… perhaps you should call the Doctor?

Lexikat

(Gender shift  = transition = life is a journey for everyone regardless of cis or transgender)

Why I Quit Smoking for My Birthday

DSCN2302

Why I never quit, and selfishly continued to smoke:

I was bitter, and alone,
With no one to simply be around-
the difference of catching lung cancer alone by my choice,
or not was my life.

Regardless of how long either I or my friends have to live,

I feel that would be dishonoring to my friends if its something I can prevent as the choice of smoking or not.
(nobody asked me to quit. My doctor once told me to quit. I’m not seeking any approval beyond my own conscience)

I’m writing this through my tears on the 8x bus.

And I’m now smiling through those tears,
with gooey smeared and running mascara…

It has been the first time I spoke to someone,
and they listened!!!
(and I listened to their story, starting at the last few chapters for openers)

And I knew if I was going to continue to smoke, by choice…

it would be like a big “fuck you” at my friends.

I cannot live with that.

They are the kind of people in a long time just to simply listen, without distraction, nor prejudice.

I pray to Diana that I never have a falling out with them,

At either rate, I think if I truly believe in the principle of honor-others or unto myself, then I will not be smoking cigarettes again,
in this life.

Thank You for listening.

Lexikat

Top 5 Misconceptions about San Francisco

Misconceptions about San Francisco:

1. That boys frequently dress as girls.
Its not that kind of town. I have lived other places, even in the south, where gay boys frequently dressed up whether they were performing or not. Professional drag performances here are just another aspect of entertainment night life. Transgender is NOT equal to a gay boy in a dress.

(hint: it NEVER has been.)

2. It is a Trans-friendly town.
In my experience, if you are riding in an automobile, then you are free of groups of people yelling or harassing you with what they “perceive” about you. But wait? That is also true about any other state if you are trans, even in the south. Riding in a car keeps interaction to a minimum in any state and so North Carolina is just as “trans-friendly” in that sense. Job wise, there are more opportunities because of California state laws. Much progress in trans-legislature is a result of the Transgender Law Center

3. The Tenderloin is a great destination for European tourists.
I really lost count of shootings and altercations published about tourists from Europe having problems. Apparently there is some kind of advertisement abroad about why The Tenderloin area is such a great cheap place to stay. The Tenderloin is a festering ghetto, filled with methadone clinics, crack-heads, meth-heads, homeless…the list could go on…
Its also a stupid web rumor that it is the most “trans-friendly” area of town. Wrong! Try North Beach instead. Try North Beach if you are a European tourist also.
But I will say that there are some really rare great places to eat there, especially if you like Thai or Vietnamese or even Indian. Word of caution: do not go by yourself and stay in well lit places while traveling in numbers.
Capisce?

4. Housing is affordable.
Housing is far above the 30% of your income balance that the basic national rates hover near. Sure life in big cities can be expensive but property owners here have no problem extorting a large sum simply because “they can.” Plan on having roommates or living in an SRO. Plan on getting turned away based on judgement rather than income and a clean police record.

5. Haight-Ashbury is all about Peace, Hope and Love.
Jerry, Janice, Jim and Jimi are all dead and gone away for quite some time. If they had a spirit, it does not live here. This area of town has the most aggressive panhandlers and its a really stinky part of town. There is no love when you are getting yelled at simply because you are walking. Lots of people who haven’t bathed in like a decade laying in along the street and laying around in the adjacent parks. The streets that run parallel to either side of Haight (Paige & Waller) are pretty free of bums in the doorways. This is also the largest trust fund hybrid driving Hipster population and their pretentious ideals live, eat, play.
There are some great eats to be found at restaurants along Haight but like the clothing shops dotted along the street-higher prices only reflect higher rent and not necessarily “more for your value.”

The facts are simply that in the 2 1/2 years I have been here and traveled around the city, its not what the common rumor has painted it to be. Arriving here as a place to live, you had better plan to physically carve out your life to establish one. If you are from one of the Dot-com industries, you people can just bite my ass for causing all the rent to rise-and the neighborhoods loosing their cultural flavor through gentrification

Will I continue to live here? For a while. Though Muni feels horrendous when you ride it, this city has one of the largest network of public transit. The local Veterans Administration has great medical service to its community of those who served. There is my favorite tattoo shop here, Tattoo Boogaloo, that affords me to get some really sweet ink. North Beach isn’t Italy, but there are places all around there that make my Italiana Cuore sing with delight and feel a little better in my City by the Bay.

Lexikat

String Voice Dilemma? Viola? Cello? Help

My cello and I have been spending the last few months together.

I don’t think its the voice I want…

I still try to play it like a lead guitar.

I run out of neck space to get the voice I need.

(Why didn’t you start on a viola first?)

I wanted something with a scale length comparable to a guitar. Plus the viola would have this “chin rest foundation” issue with my make-up.

My dilemma?
Which is more important: having the voice or having no make-up smeared?

Drawbacks of the cello I have learned:

  1. Hurts my hands after fretting chords
  2. I have the habit of looking at the fingerboard
  3. Playing on the body part of the fingerboard to get the sound
  4. I am immobile when playing in public and people can harass a girl like me
  5. Voicing and parts too similar to bass guitar-which I left because it doesn’t express me

So at least I bought a cheap one. Violas are comparably less expensive than a cello.

~Sigh~

Life would be easier without music in ones heart, but would it be a life?

Lexikat

“Tutto é possibile per la bellissima cigna” in reference to Hans Christian Andersen

Il Bruto Anatraccolo was the first book I read in italiano. My pronunciation was bad, I only understood every other word. BUT…
When I finished reading, I was crying and smiling.

So it is safe to say that I clearly understood what I was reading. 

Il Bruto Anatraccolo Translates to “The Ugly Duckling.” My quote basically translates to “anything/everything is possible for a beautiful swan.”

(felice/triste)

Lexikat