I miss the rain

This last year is one of the driest years for the Bay Area on record.
The year I moved here, begrudgingly and against good sense, it rained more in a week than the entire year of 2013.

I told my children once that I used to make it rain. I am pretty sure it was something I was just being hopeful about “having control in my own life” or “I could really make things happen” and not literally making it rain.

but who knows?

The entire year of 2013, I had my fair share of distractions.

So dry now.

It should rain soon.
In my heart, its ready to pour.



How am I going to get a band going?

Its what “I ask myself” when I sit and mull over the internet posting on Soundcloud, Myspace, Bandmix, Facebook, Craigslist, Trans-genre, etc, etc.

Networking by word of mouth?
I ask employees of my regular music store about their bulletin boards. Their suggestions to just keep checking back or posting your own ad to reach your target audience.

I haven’t made a flyer to pin up on their wall yet. I feel that I haven’t come up with how to explain that I am a guitarist and they should ignore everything else about me that affects “their” shortcomings to do with my trans-dyke-edge of it all. Because it doesn’t matter to me but it really matters to them.

Transportation around the area is kind of hard at times to just go from point A to point B.
Leisurely driving out just to catch a band or try to interact with other musicians who aren’t expecting you is not a great option for the typical Bay area resident. Can I “make” a way to get out to gigs and practice? Yes. Strolling around to find something? Not effective and public transportation is lengthy-even more lengthy to a town you simply do not know.

I really miss the basic convenience of personal transportation on demand that most take for granted.

Emails seem to involve one inquiry, my reply and then nothing for a week if not ever. I generally perceive the electronic modern world to be something that communication goes a lot faster than what people aspire to. Does this also mean someone can go “Ew, a transsexual” a lot faster? Perhaps? but after the first one you just aren’t surprised at it and try to move past all other “delays” in the future. I believe that I am a guitarist first, and everything else second. I continue to maintain my optimism with the process. I really embrace the speed of communication being greatest available for a musician.

Style of music seems to really never come into consideration the few times I have corresponded with other musicians. I suppose my style is Modern Rock and Industrial by today’s standards, I find it great to see Neil Young covers by Type-O Negative. Old music becomes new somehow. There is hope for music yet! Steel Panther is a bit retro glam hair metal with the always-partying & womanizing schtick in a comedic sense, but the fact their music is comparable to vintage hair metal is cool.

Technology is one of the greatest tools to “fill-in” the place of everyone else in the band whom you cannot connect with. I will be gaining this advantage to write music later this spring, but music “in a vacuum” doesn’t breathe life of performing.

So “How am I going to get a band going?” seems to be the question that stays on the front burner.


Why A Gender Shift Can Feel A Bit Like Doctor Who

Doctor Who?

Doctor Who being the science fantasy television program on BBC for the last 50 years. The main protagonist simply known as “The Doctor” to the viewers. He has many adventures with various companions while traveling through time and space. He appears human, and has a very strong affinity to nurturing and protecting the human race. However, he is not human. He is Gallifreyan-a Time Lord. Their biology causes them to regenerate after a number of years, typically spawned by a sustained injury.There has at least been speculation that these regenerations can involve a gender change, but usually is a completely different looking and acting(and dressing) character with most core parts of The Doctor’s characteristics. Some of his quirks really shift a lot more than you would think, but it keeps it all fresh in my opinion.
At times, I feel that I am not human..

So how does this entertain the idea that your “transition” is anything like that?
(I only know of my own experience and what few stories others have shared of their own journey.)

Myself-35 years as a boy/male (give or take), had many different careers/roles:
Soldier, teacher, husband, father, mechanic, carpenter, clerk, guitarist in metal band, singer, college student…these did have different expressions of hair, clothing, cars, houses, etc.
Granted I was petty repressed in avoiding being myself, but my core was pretty consistent. I am: a nurturer, teacher, lover, musician, caregiver, poet, artist-and will always beI’ll cleverly avoid a fight, but a true warrior knows when to fight!
I too, have had some pretty colorful companions not unlike the Doctor at times..family, lovers, friends, animals.

Transition-its not a destination. No matter what anyone suggests, because life itself is a journey and not a destination. (Get over it and embrace it.) So during the beginning of this phase there is of course the wigs in lieu of the hair in process of growing out. Wardrobe? Adolescent, edgy, vampish, sex bomb, blonde bombshell, college co-ed, the Audrey Hepburn, cyber-goth industrial girl, punk rocker, post-apocalypse dyke. For me, the biggest part of change was the hormones that let my brain that “always knew/felt that I was a girl” for this entire time, could at least not hate the body my mind was born into. That body quickly changed and perhaps parts of my mind as well…

My memories at times are something that are very clear and are relevant to my daily activities and problem solving. However, there are times that Who something happened to in my past feels very much like another person. Swiss cheese memory as referred to in science fiction…

Music? I was a bass player and keyboard player up until I started exploring my gender expression by going out dressed. Guitar soon came after this period.
Parenting? Some argue that you are always a parent, but the interaction with my own children was limited to only the time I expressed as a boy. I haven’t been a parent as a woman. Not even to a puppy at this writing.
Tattoos? Well, I got my first during my time “in-flux” of deciding whether going out on the weekends and hating who I was or wasn’t. My ink collection snowballed and really started with “my first girl tattoo” to my most current one.
Family? There is a lot less blood relatives around, much as the First Doctor saying goodbye to Susan, but my extended family is tremendous and still growing. They have a stronger bond with me than I could have ever imagined.
Other things I have picked up since transitioning: learning Italian, cello, guitar with a deeper focus, writing, oh and of course more allergies. I am sure that I have my share of quirks too.

I lost my singing voice for the price that I paid and I am looking to find it or whatever voice this body chooses to resonate.

The journey through time-and space, occasionally gives glimpses of times in your life where you were really proud of your accomplishments and who you were at that individual moment. I feel its important to reflect into those journeys for strength, knowledge, and wisdom. Who you were isn’t always Who you are at the moment. But we all seem to be a collective of all our incarnations (good/bad, boy/girl, love/hate).

If you do find yourself having problems with your collective, or even evolving… perhaps you should call the Doctor?


(Gender shift  = transition = life is a journey for everyone regardless of cis or transgender)


So a few weeks ago I tried to make bacon in our apartment.
I bought pork belly and used a curing recipe found here.

How to smoke it indoors you ask!?
I wrapped the cured pork belly in some cheesecloth and suspended it with butchers twine mid way in the pasta boiling pot. In the very bottom of the pot was a layer of soaked cedar from cedar available for rolling around food (or fish) and roasting. I spritzed/christened some liquid smoke flavoring by Wrights into the hand shredded shavings. I then sandwiched this with a flattened layer of foil, and held this in place with a stainless steel vegetable steamer basket (similar to oven smoking foil pouches). I had to really control the amount of heat to fill the pot and not the house with smoke-and yet keep it contained in the pan. It wasn’t strongly smoked but had some flavor. I used too much salt but the pepper and fennel seeds in the cure added some really great flavors.

Now, about that duck….
(Think Porky Pig and Daffy Duck had a baby…)

Since Whole Foods sells smoked duck breast….there was something it needed as I sliced it for breakfast this morning…SALT! There was a lot of moisture still present.
The package stated that it was fully cooked, and cooked meats are pinkish in nature. But in the pan it really sizzled more than “pre-cooked” meat should in my opinion.

How to remedy: mix a 55% kosher salt 35% brown sugar 10% ground pepper rub and let sit after its been sliced really thin. It is not necessary to put a great amount of rub on the meat. I placed the slices flat on a paper towel and after rubbing one side, merely stuck them together in layers and rubbed the one on top. Then I sealed them in a sandwich bag so they can cure fairly quicky (hours vs. week).

I am optimistic that its enough to work with. The cost, well the duck was $7.50 for the same amount of pork belly costing $3. I don’t have to put as much effort into this on the front end and smoking is that flavor element crucial-as much as the cure phase of the bacon.

On a side note: making bacon now seems like its more cost effective to use an entire pork belly-or a few, and smoke them in quite a larger operation. If you didn’t live in an apartment…
If only…


Sotto Voce-Better Than Security Blanket

Just recently I went to friend’s a baby shower. I had so much fun. My friend’s husband, family, and other friends were really cool to me.

I used a bit of forward ice breaking self-depreciating humor a bit to joke that warmly introduces the fact I haven’t always been me as I currently am. I’m no leggy waif with a body that can stop a truck, because I chose not to. It seems like jokingly addressing the possible 800lb. gorilla in the room is the best way to put people at ease and not get ruffled feathers. I am ok with “looking queer” as I was the one who picked all my beautiful tattoos and recently sheared off one side of my head.

In a previous life I was a parent with the white picket fence, etc.”

But something else happened. I didn’t realize it until I took a shower this evening with my face buried into the warm shower water and my eyes closed…a eureka moment of sorts about the baby shower the day before…. I didn’t squeak, or have my voice pitched higher until I felt comfortable. I felt exactly ZERO need to have my security blanket. I’m a queer girl in a world who doesn’t always treat kindly but I had no guard up. My matter-of-fact tone I jokingly call my Sotto Voce only came across as Dolce (sweet) in conversation.


(Above) Its just a snapshot but it covered the feel for the day. I didn’t feel like a stranger to anyone, and was made to feel like family at times.

I decided to blog this because as a trans/queer/pick a label-person, growth of this nature is really good and sometimes doesn’t happen the way we would like it to.

Its a great joy that my pal is my friend.
She’ll be an awesome mom and she has a great husband in her journey too!
They have a way to make things feel safe-no shields up captain!