Why I Quit Smoking for My Birthday

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Why I never quit, and selfishly continued to smoke:

I was bitter, and alone,
With no one to simply be around-
the difference of catching lung cancer alone by my choice,
or not was my life.

Regardless of how long either I or my friends have to live,

I feel that would be dishonoring to my friends if its something I can prevent as the choice of smoking or not.
(nobody asked me to quit. My doctor once told me to quit. I’m not seeking any approval beyond my own conscience)

I’m writing this through my tears on the 8x bus.

And I’m now smiling through those tears,
with gooey smeared and running mascara…

It has been the first time I spoke to someone,
and they listened!!!
(and I listened to their story, starting at the last few chapters for openers)

And I knew if I was going to continue to smoke, by choice…

it would be like a big “fuck you” at my friends.

I cannot live with that.

They are the kind of people in a long time just to simply listen, without distraction, nor prejudice.

I pray to Diana that I never have a falling out with them,

At either rate, I think if I truly believe in the principle of honor-others or unto myself, then I will not be smoking cigarettes again,
in this life.

Thank You for listening.

Lexikat

Link

Red Fire of the Past

All lyrics quoted are Copyright 1987 Rush

Hold Your Fire by Rush

It was the summer of 1990. I had just graduated high school.

So then it happened. My first partner was pregnant.
(It cannot be determined specifically that it was mine or not)

Her decision to get an abortion, versus my proposition to have the child and I will gladly take the responsibility alone. No? (Fuck.)

It was the time where you could go and ask the court if you were not 18 to basically agree with your decision and avoid the whole mom-and-dad discussion.

I got into the band Rush starting at their Presto album and worked backwards. The next in the catalog was Hold Your Fire. It was one of their more “intellectual” albums and more of an ambient feel than say Moving Pictures or 2112 

Prime Mover pretty much describes a lot of what went through my head during that summer…
“Basic elemental instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive

Alternating currents in a tidewater surge
Rational resistance to an unwise urge

Anything can happen…
From the point of conception

To the moment of truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey is not to arrive

Anything can happen…

Basic temperamental filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize

Alternating currents force a show of hands
Rational responses force a change of plans

Anything can happen…

From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle moving back and forth

From the point of entry
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure is not to return

Anything can happen…

I set the wheels in motion
Turn up all the machines
Activate the programs
And run behind the scene

I set the clouds in motion
Turn up light and sound
Activate the window
And watch the world go ’round

From the point of conception
To the moment of truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of a journey
Is not to arrive

Anything can happen.”

(from Mission): “Hold your fire, keep it burning bright.
Hold the flame ’til the dream ignites…
A spirit with a vision, is a dream with a mission.”

(from Time Stand Still):”I turn my back to the wind,
to catch my breath before I start up again”

It took a few years not to blame myself for the decision of another.

(from Lock and Key)”I don’t want to face the killer instinct, face it in you or me”

I listen to that album now and still feel the impact of being 18, but in a better light now.

“The water takes us home…”

Lexikat

Greetings New Bisexual Friend. You’re Not Trans

I have never been able to understand why over the last 4 years that women I meet openly interject into conversation early in the friendship that “their first sexual partner was a woman” or that they are (or were) “bisexual.”

Is this to introduce that we share some common ground?
(Here’s a clue: We don’t!)

Is this simply to say “I know my way around a vagina and penis like the way Gordon Ramsay knows his way around the kitchen ” so I KNOW what you must go through in life as a transsexual.

Or there was the time I had a roommate who insisted she was trans by the whole bisexual arguement…

I am really tired of people’s game playing, emotionally.

Do people want to jump my bones or gloss it all over to say our lives our the same?

Honestly, I wish it were the jumping bones,
because nobody is making out with me,
and we sure as HELL are NOT the same.

Lexikat

Trans-acceptance Tshirt Slogan Idea

“Grazie per pensare alla mia vagina. Ciaó!”
English version:
“Thank-you for thinking about my vagina. Have a nice day!”

Why? Because that is what some of this boils down to.
Guy thinking: “I find her sexually atractive/arousing. I picture having sex with her.”
Guy gets a few mixed signals and possibly even rejected by this person.
Guy feels shamed/angry.

I was having a discussion with someone I know who is an “out” gay male about this sort of scenario that happens. He was trying to convince me that people project dislike at him for “just walking down the street”, but was really trying to dismiss what a trans person goes through as being the same.
Me: “But guys don’t feel angry for being sexually turned on for staring at a bearded man. They don’t project the end game of what’s to be had between his legs!” Unless they realize that you’re a transboy and some how you took said “vagina coitus scenario” off-line…
“LGB≠T” and it never has. There’s another tshirt idea.
Truth be told, it was the trans-civil rights movement that illustrated how many gaps and inequallities remained after the feminist movement.

Thank-you for thinking about my vagina. Have a nice day!

Lexikat