(Repost from my 2009 blog on a different site)

Looking back through the accumulated memories clouding my reason and judgment days…

I extract this:

What a good kiss is.

(since we know my theory is that bad kissers need be put to death before murderers and rapists. Sure I am bitchy for a girl with so little. Screw it. At least when the plug gets pulled I was ME to the end.)

A good kiss.
From my point of view, the participants never project their faces or snake their necks towards their target. You move your whole friggin body closer. To keep yourself in an upright position and move your mouth towards someone shows that you are interested as a whole. Bending or moving your face towards them while keeping your body firmly planted shows Uncertainty, Awkwardness, and Fear.

Same goes for that extended tongue!

…Have you ever seen any of the “Aliens” movies? Where Sigourney Weaver kicks ass and the aliens extend that little mouth out? Its that creepy when your tongue extends into a mouth like a snake looking for mice. IF your whole mouth came closer that shows more comfort. And lets face it, kiss if you feel comfortable. If you are so uncomfortable, then don’t kiss.

Nervous? Nervous you say? Hesitating out of nervousness?

Looky here sports fans:
Ever watch praying mantises mate? How about Black widows mate? They 95% of the time die from that. We all watched the videos on NatGeo or Discovery Channel.
Do humans look like a spider or insect?

Men (or boys)…Either shave or grow a beard if you plan on kissing anyone.
Don’t agree?
Read on then…
Take a 10×8 sheet of 100 grit Sandpaper and a pair of scissors. Now cut a mouth sized hole in the center. Stick your lips against it. Don’t press your lips on it like a plunger or a fish cleaning the glass of an aquarium (that would be considered cheating). For those too numb to get this one, try a cactus.
(Barrel Cacti are the best specimens to work with)
Now move the sandpaper around in your partially opened mouth.
Feels painful doesn’t it? Too lazy to shave that day, keep your mouth to yourself. Really.

Lovers of pain?
I am sure sandpaper isn’t on the list of BDSM devices.
(Spikes, clamps, whips, barbed wire and chains…ah, but NO sandpaper?!)
I like a bite on the tongue and lip a little bit, but not sandpaper.
I don’t look like unpainted furniture, even on a bad day.
So don’t treat your kissee from Kissimee as such.

(Back to kissing)

The top lip has very little projection or sensation so clasping their bottom lip with your lips is quite a rush. There is a faux Shakespearian saying: “To control the masses is to be queen, but to control the bottom lip is to control the UNIVERSE!”

Salivia got too excited (for those of you still kissing at this point), then discretely and stealthly swallow it. Or better yet a couple of shots of something to make cotton mouth from the bar. “Waitress, we’ll each have a Salty Dog!” (Vodka and Grapefruit Juice with a salted rim but you could always use Cuervo Black instead)


I almost forgot breathing. Breathe through your nose.
Have congestion? Keep your filthy germs to yourself. I didn’t want your cold-If I got a package in the mail marked LIVE VIRUS STRAINS I wouldn’t open it even if the wrapping was very cute porn girls on the outside.


That better be a city in China and not your eyes gazing at me.
Looking who I’m making out with. WRONG! Staring at someone your face is locked onto is as creepy as a snake on its way to eat a sleeping baby bird.

So, now you know the ultimate kiss…practice!



(staring at someone who you are sleeping next to is like “Psycho-stabbing-in-the-shower” creepy too!)


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