I know I just moved into a new place, but the situation I moved into has changed dramatically in the short time since I got here. Its clear that I need to find another place and fast. I have a steady income and 5 years history with my current job, but I don’t have a security deposit lying around and I need to come up with one ASAP.
Other things about me? I am a veteran of the military. I’m queer. I have never been arrested.
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Lexie’s moving fund
Moving day, once again.
It always reminds me of other times of moving out, rather than moving on. Most notably the time that sibling attacked me and I had a friend offer to put me up in a different state if I could transfer my job in 2008. I found that the trashcan was bigger than the moving box.
My life has been “what fits in the box stays” in 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2015. Some of those times I have not had a “where I am actually and physically moving to” as a destination. Limbo-that in between world of uncertainty? Yep. That is my destination.
The box is held together with tape, has markered words scribbled on it. Some other odd labels from its previous usages. How I live resembles this box: I dispose of things that may have been useful if they stayed around a little longer.
But my life isn’t possessions, at least it shouldn’t be. I think it should have as much possessions as a bird flying needs. Those things sometimes keep me focused, remind myself that I have a heart with a few spots of darkness at the edges.
It’s probably better to feel with your heart to remind yourself that you have one than to look in a box after you peel the various tape away to stare upon something representative of life that could resemble just another thing to dispose of.
Let me define what I defining what I am calling “middle america love”. I was basically raised with the WASP-y ideal that physical non-parental romantic love exists between only a pair of people. If you woke up one day in love with another person, then your first love was dead/non-existent/gone.
I was raised to believe that was the only way.
Polyamory communities are only something that I have observed externally within the last year. I have vaguely interpreted other people’s experiences and heard their collection of “experiences”, and could surmise that love for more than one person does NOT invalid any love prior to that.
Although people experience love differently, I am limiting the scope to just talking about myself. I am clearly maintaining boundaries of physical appropriate forms affection at all times.
Would I fall over dead, world colliding into chaos if I ever emotionally loved more than my primary romantic relationship? No.
I can say that I don’t know any of my poly friends who have fallen over dead.
I can say that I didn’t fall over the day I realized that emotionally I loved more women than my primary romantic relationship. If you want me to put a specific time frame on it, I can just say that it probably took about 6 months: positive and healthy enforcement.
“There can be only one!” -The Highlander
No. There can be a few people. Although we all experience love differently, it’s just as real when it’s genuine.
I’m certain that my primary romantic relationship, any number of my loves, etc. could read this.
I’m counting on it.
I’ve continued to maintain proper boundaries and respect. I’m certain that I have let you know that I care for you. I hope that my emotional health continues to grow.
Thank you for letting me try to write my thoughts out of my head.
I got this LTD GL200 Kamikaze in 2013. I squandered a weeks worth of vacation time cashed out to buy her. Last year (2014) I started playing with the back of the pick, as it makes a different sound. January 2015 I installed a Seymour Duncan JB bridge pickup. All of these parts are really coming together. One thing connects another and all of them
are bringing the level of playing and expression to a higher level.
Other planned mods include a brass tremolo block, a Lil ’59 for the neck pickup, and a few effects pedals. Hopefully I can get lessons for sweep picking and or have a band situation finally materialize.
…were all about ME!
What I mean is there was the most self-awareness and discovery making times.
I learned that my PTSD from suffocation is alive and well as suiting up armor for SCA practice. I thank my sibling who tried to choke me a few years ago for that.
I learned more about my useless family in the form of genealogy research that takes me back to the 2nd century Viking kings.
I learned that my concept of love and relationships was challenged to evolve from my previous experiences and practices. Love and interpersonal intimate friendships continue to strengthen and evolve.
I learned a lot about the culture of Burning Man without even going to the playa.
I learned to think before saying or posting things with more restraint than before.
2014 was really about me learning more internally than externally. A newfound self-awareness wouldn’t adequately describe it.
These internal forces were contingent on external nuances and such.
As I was getting ready for the most epic 3 year-olds fairy themed birthday party, there was a moment where I didn’t realize I had shifted from calling people that I primarily have met through my girlfriend “my friends”. Up until this point, other than my pal known as the sweet Earth Goddess, I have said “well your friends are having a party” “won’t it be cool to see your friends again?”.
I had stepped out of the bathroom with a ton of eye makeup on, which is rare, and said “the things I do cause I love my friends”. She noticed it more than I did. I figure that’s good and not forced or rehearsed. Friend making is really hard for me, always has been. Inside, I can still be that shy kid that won’t speak their mind. That kid is offset by the socially abrupt adult that will just blurt all kind of things out.
All of my friends are my family, and a tiny but beautiful portion of my birth family remain friends with me.
Its great, and makes me cry happy tears
It’s an interesting space I find my mind and emotions in lately.
One could say that I was “on the verge of drowning in love” as it were.
One could say that.
I say things like, “I haven’t had the simple support and embrace from my world, outside of work, be willing, supportive, interested, and willing to develop nurturing and stronger friendships/bonds for this length of time in my life ever.”
Perhaps the accursed can have their hex broken, fates shattered, prison walls crumble from around their heart/soul/mind?
I believe so.
I also firmly believe that if something bad happened in my life, I’d still have an awesome partner & friends-that-are-family support network to my emotional and mental health-to the extent that I would hardly be scathed by the ordeal.
I have started reclaiming some of my known heritage (rather than unknown and questionable) of my Danish blood in the form of language and cuisine. It’s actually helped me make a few friendships with people in lands as far away as Finland & Sweden to where I have found learning Swedish a bit easier due to similarities to Danish and German. Danish/Scandinavian Foods seem to help my digestive process of lowering glycemic indexes and making use of seasonal fruits and vegetables more so than any other cooking I have explored.
My guitar playing and seeking a band has stalled a bit, I believe that I will make a push for finding a band in 2015. Yes, it will have to be free of drama and something I can make some rockin’ tunes with.
As they say: “So many feels”